The 2014 Racial Draft

Features

By: / February 11, 2014

When Chappelle’s Show pulled off the first ever Racial Draft in 2008, Wu-Tang Clan became Asian and Tiger Woods earned his black card. VIBE gathered three comedians to barter and claim today’s biggest celebs for their respective races

Representative for Blacks: Donnell “Ashy Larry” Rawlings (@donellrawlings)
Representative for Whites: Andrew Schulz (@andrewschulz)
Representative for Asians: Timothy DeLaGhetto (@Traphik)

Welcome to the 2014 Racial Draft! New rules: Each race gets five celebrity draft picks. First up, as their top 3 picks in the Racial Draft, Blacks select French Montana, Halle Berry and Robin Thicke.

VIBE: Donnell, you’ve got a solid triple threat. Please break down your selections.

Donnell Rawlings (Blacks): French Montana is racially ambiguous so we don’t know if he’s black or white. As a black comedian, if I ever get in trouble I live by French Montana’s quote, “Niggas ain’t worried about nothing.” I want Halle Berry on my team because I’ve been having sexual fantasies about her for the last 15 years.

V: She’s been with a white man in her last two relationships.

DR: She’s dealt with white guys for so long I want to see if I can enforce the old saying, “Once you go black you never can go back.”

As their fourth pick in the 2014 Racial Draft! Blacks select Miley Cyrus.

DR: I pick Miley Cyrus because she’s on every media, every publication. I could use her as a hype person.

Andrew Schulz (Whites): She’s the hype man? You’re gonna have to trade me somebody for Miley. I’m not giving up Miley without a fight.

DR: We’re gonna have to rumble for that, son. May the best twerk win.

AS: Bet, let’s start that ass shaking.

DR: I’m not putting her on my team because of her ass, son [Laughs].

AS: I hope not [Laughs].

DR: That would set black people back 400 years easily. I might have to bring Spike Lee on after that. I want Django on my team.

V: Jamie Foxx or Django?

DR: Django!

As their fifth pick in the 2014 Racial Draft, Blacks select Django.

DR: He’s the closest thing that black people have had to a superhero. He gets back at slavery, he’s one of the best dressed celebrities since Steve Harvey and he gets to attack the people that’s wronged him and ride into the sunset with his girl on the back of the horse.

V: How did Robin Thicke get on the black team?

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Photo Credit: Matt Doyle for VIBE