Every man isn’t fortunate enough to have a woman that’s a sports fan. It’s one thing for your lady to appreciate or simply tolerate sports on television, but when she has no comprehension or respect for it, sports viewing at home becomes less enjoyable. Since we’re in the heat of the NBA Playoffs I figured I’d lend my guys some tips to keep their anti-sports boo absent during their favorite teams’ games.
1. Hypnotize Her Memory
Keeping your baby at bay begins before the actual game day. Preparation and communication is first. You have to brand her subconscience with the fact that you’re looking forward to Game 1 of Celtics vs Cavs. About five days before the game begin mentioning how tough the next few days are gonna be for you (final exams, new construction assignment, deadlines galore etc). Once you’ve explained your crazy week ahead drop it on her: “I can’t wait til it’s all done so I can just sit back and watch that game.” Repeat (very subtly) over the next few days and she should have a complete understanding by tip-off.
2. Let Her Talk
If spending quality time with your significant other is a weak area, fix it now. There’s no way your lady’s gonna be understanding towards your need for sports if you minimize her leisure joys. Like how you can’t tell one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta from the Basketball Wives, she can’t differentiate between Alex Rodriguez batting in a run and the Chicago Bulls going on a run. So the key here is to listen. That morning or night before the game you give her your undivided attention and let her talk until she’s tired, no matter trivial or mind numbing you may think the topic is. You don’t want a woman who feels unheard around your TV.
3. Prevent Her Nagging
By the time your game starts you want her to have as little complaint ammo as possible. That means whatever responsibilities or promises owed to her need to be made good on…well. I’d suggest taking it a step further and getting an early jump on a chore or two. So whether that’s washing the dishes, taking out trash, calling your mother-in-law or choosing a color for those new curtains you could give a shit about, it must be done or your fun will be done.
4. Send Her Packing
Not with luggage, just a pocketbook. Assure your fun by orchestrating hers. To paraphrase the Old Spice guy, send her to that thing she likes. Set up an outing with her and her mother or BFF (women never hang out for a short periods of time). Just make sure you know your woman. If she craves culture there are some awesome plays on and off Broadway this month (I recommend Fela! or Race). If she’s a little more low-brow treat her to the new Tyler Perry script or lunch at that new BBQ spot. Best thing you can do, though, is barter alone time with the game for QT with her later.
5. Sex Her Sleepy
If for some reason the aforementioned tips failed you or she just cant be outdoors game day, your best bet is really really good sex. Wait a couple hours before tip-off and then take her down to Chinatown. Foreplay should be lengthy and intercourse should be athletic. Use whatever assistance you may need to deliver her multiples (Red Bull, Tantric breathing, Gatorade on nightstand), just do it. Oh, and speaking of multiples, (very important) make sure she navigates at least one of her climaxes. You want her as sweaty as you so after the pow she’s knocked out til at least the fourth quarter. And once your soldier’s down don't even think about jumping up. Hold her, from atop so you can exit without waking her. Once you hear her breathing deeply you just won before the game started.
Anything I missed, y’all?
Bonsu Thompson, The Rolling Stone 2001 “Hot Interviewer” has penned for mags like Details, XXL, Penthouse, SLAM and KING as well as notable brands such as MTV, VH1, Rocawear and Translation. Wanna keep up with the Brooklyn scribe? Follow him via Twitter.com/DreamzRreal