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Dear Perez Hilton,
It's Kid Fury again. The last time I reached out to you, chairs were flipped over and threats of violence were made, but I'm ready to put all of that behind me. Of course, you still disgust the core of my spirit, mostly because you're a pathetic fame-whore and you hold an eerie resemblance to one of the Three Billy Goats Gruff — none of that will ever change. However, I hear you are going through a crisis with this Miley Cyrus coochie scandal and I would like to lend a few words of encouragement, because that's the kind of shit I do.
Sure, you claim that the nude photos you posted of that under-aged tween tragedy were photochopped and screwed, but it was still in horrific taste, like everything else you do. Now the adults and Hannah Montana stans of the world are crying out for justice and Lady Gaga's parade of latex and blasphemy can't get save you. Word on the street is you may have to face up to 15 years in prison if the feds catch up with you, but surely you can find the silver lining in that dark cloud! We all know you would make a great yard sissy — the inmates would hoist your big ass up and stuff you on both sides like a pig at a luau! That sausage-fest has got to tickle your fancy...among other places.
In the slight chance that a prison orgy does not appeal to you, let me suggest that you tone your fuckery down a few notches. It's one thing to talk shit about the stars, but you seem to be getting yourself into all kinds of foolish incidents that end with you playing the victim. Nobody forgot how Will.i.am's crew blacked your eye and had you crying on camera like Trey Songz. Certainly that's the attention that you live for, but I think we would all appreciate it if you would take the time to shut your fat ass up and suck on a hot sausage until 2012.
Kiss My Ass,