How did you even find out that they were engaged and she was pregnant? Please don’t tell me the blogs.
I knew these things for a couple of months… I never talked to him about it though. It’s his life, but people talk. Nobody is nobody's friend when it comes to stuff like this. There are people in their circles that talk and it gets back to me and I'm like ‘Wow, okay.’ I still feel like we should tell each other…No, I don't care. I don't give him the vibe that I care, so he wouldn't feel obligated to tell me.
If you were generously invited, would you attend their wedding?
No. Not out of malice, but because weddings are sacred. It's just not my place. The only reason I went to his birthday party was because he invited me and I did that for myself. I needed to see them together for it to transfer. And I was like ‘Wow, this is real.’ We were still totally married…We had a divorce that was nowhere near final, but I just needed to see them in action for it to be real to me, and it was definitely real. You have all these different types of steps that you have to set up for yourself until you get to that place where you are free. And I will tell you, after I got divorced maybe three weeks later I woke up and felt a weight removed. It was the first time I’d ever felt mentally free. And I sent him an email wishing him all the best in the world.
Did he reply back?
He did. He said, "Wow, thanks. Thank you."
When was the last you cried?
I haven't cried in about a year. I don't cry anymore. I thank the good Lord for that, because it takes a lot for me to cry now. It's been a journey. The whole first year I cried my fucking brains out. And when “Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart” came out, I was like… "Wow, this song is for me." [Laughs] I would cry in my sleep, I would wake up crying.
"I got to be honest with you… I was not in love."
Does it hurt listening to her now? Were you an Alicia Keys fan?
I believed her before.
I don't make it an effort to listen. I don't make it an effort not to listen. I still like her songs. She's head over heels in love and I get it. Every woman deserves to feel that, not at the expense of another woman though. But I understand why some of the decisions were made on her part, because her heart was so in it. I can't fight that [and] I can't fight her because she’s a household name. People are always going to love her for her music, as they should. She makes great music, but no one is really ever going to understand what happened in this house. Bottom line, the rule is, if you're messing with somebody, you don't know they're married, and you found out they're married if you come into any contact with that wife, leave it alone… respect the woman, respect the wife. Like I said before, it was an ego thing for me. I'm being fucking disrespected, nobody respects me, this is my husband, this is my family, this girl thinks she can just do anything she thinks she wants to. And that's what I dealt with for a while, until I gave up.
Ego can be a dangerous thing. Were you still in love with him while you were fighting for your marriage?
I got to be honest with you… I was not in love. Love is unconditional; “in love” is very conditional. [Being] in love is a state of insanity, infatuation, when you can't live without that person. But when one thing goes wrong you feel crazy, it's insane. So when you’re able to tell the difference you're better off. Because [being] in love doesn't last, [it’s] for the moments. Love is forever. I still love him, he's the father to my son. We have history, there's no reason not for me to love him. What he did was done for me to learn something. I don't blame him anymore. Now he has to learn because I've already learned.
Is Alicia the reason your state of being in love faded?