MURPHY’S LAW: Hey, Tiger, Shaq, Jesse…Thanks!

News

kmurphy / April 1, 2010

The following conversation took place at an undisclosed time and location….

 Murph: Why do men cheat?

Woman: I honestly don’t believe it’s in a men’s biological nature to be faithful. It goes with the whole idea when women get pregnant—we are just that…pregnant. But men can have as many kids as they want to. Men are wired to spread their seeds. It has nothing to do with immaturity…it’s just innate.

Murph: Does the same apply to men who happen to be celebrities?

Woman: [Laughs] Yeah. I just think they have more opportunities to cheat.

Pretty sobering stuff, huh? Or maybe you’ve already come to the same straight-no-chaser conclusion. Still, my anonymous female colleague’s breakdown of the male species’ psyche when it comes to the opposite sex may be a little too real for some folks to swallow. The well-worn mantra that all men are dogs is a heavy cross to bear for all dudes. Even the most faithful of men are profiled as Lothario’s-in-waiting. It’s hard out here for a pimp  monogamous man. And more recent figures say we are doomed to cheat. According to relationship expert M. Gary Neuman (Just our luck, he’s co-signed by Oprah…Where’s Stedman when you need him?), an estimated 1 in 2.7 men will be unfaithful. Wow. It’s like that?

Which is why I have some advice for all of you men receiving  ‘late night creep’ phone texts from women not named your girlfriend or wife. Trust me, sooner or later your significant other will uncover your seedy dalliances. And when she does, just remember you have the perfect excuse: WHAT ABOUT TIGER? It’s quite simple, really. Male celebrity cheaters make the infidelities of mortal 9 to 5 cats look like amateur hour. Now if you are worried this goes against the ‘Man Code,’ fear not. Section 7, paragraph 12 clearly states that a man is allowed to dry snitch on a fellow male only if he’s not in the same tax bracket (AKA—The Kobe Bryant Rule; There’s also the Lisa Raye Rule for women…but that’s another blog).

This year alone has been a ridiculously epic run on the cheating front. So your girl ran your credit card and found out that your January “business” meeting in Las Vegas wasn’t business at all? Just tell her Tiger Woods paid off now-infamous party girl Rachel Uchitel $10 million in a deal that’s being described as an “airtight confidentiality agreement.” And when he wasn’t busy having marathon threesomes with porn stars, cocktail waitresses, party girls, golf groupies (who knew?), Tiger was literally taking it to the house. Just tell wifey that Vanity Fair recently aired out the best golfer in the world with wild insider news that Woods took one of his roster of mistresses back to the Florida mansion he shares with wife Elin, and had sex with the woman in the couple’s living room and kitchen floor amid “fine porcelain tile and brushed stainless-steel appliances.” So your woman smelled Burberry perfume on your shirt, but she uses Jean Paul Gaultier? Just sit your better half down and explain how a married Shaquille O’Neal had a live-in-stripper crashing out at his Cleveland Mansion or the new revelation that he frequently texted side piece Vanessa Lopez while in the same room as his wife Shauni and their kids.

But what happens if your slip up goes nuclear when your girl/wife catches you in bed with another woman? Stay calm and make the case that a stint in a sex rehabilitation clinic of her choosing is in order (health care should cover it, right?) After all, motorcycle enthusiast and Sandra Bullock’s ballsy husband Jesse James is the most recent celebrity to check into such a facility (surprise!) after being busted for his inability to keep it in his pants. Your girl should also be reminded that at least you are not out there dressing up as Hitler and having sex with tatted-up Nazi sympathizers named Bombshell [Side note: Yo Sandy, this is what happens when you jump the broom with a “bad boy” who was once married to a porn star. Just saying…]

Yes, the names even go beyond VIBE’s most Infamous Celebrity Cheaters [SEE LIST!]. From the Rolling Stones’ legendary philanderer Mick Jagger to the more private player Denzel Washington, there’s plenty of salacious material to draw from when you find yourself caught up.

Or you could just simply read your partner this thought-provoking gem:

Murph: Do you think it comes down to men just being assholes?

Woman: No. There’s no good vs. evil when it comes to women and men. I think most people, especially men, find it hard to be with one person for the rest of their life. There’s a way people want society to be and then the way things really are. 

Just ask Tiger.—Keith Murphy  

With all apologies due to Mick Jagger, Keith “Murph” Murphy may not be a man of immense wealth, but he does have taste. For over a decade, the Chicago-born journalist has sparred with brazen hip hop moguls (Jay-Z); Hollywood royalty (Quentin Tarantino); political powerbrokers (Rev. Al Shaprton); redemption-seeking pugilists (Mike Tyson); R&B divas (Mary J. Blige); and lyrically great white hopes (Eminem). His work has appeared in such publications and sites as VIBE, Essence, The Root, and KING, and he is a frequent commentator on CNN, Fox News, VH1, and A&E Biography. Follow him on Twitter at murphdogg29.