Clifford “T.I. / T.I.P.” Harris is now a free man…and freedom has never been so sweet. After partially ending a yearlong sentence (he’ll officially be a free man on March 26) on weapons possession for attempting to cop machine guns outside a Walgreens store in 2007 (he was later turned in after federal cooperation from his security guard) the King is now back with full pomp and circumstance.
Prior to prison, T.I. cleaned up his image a bit with an MTV reality show deterring young knuckleheads from following down a path of destruction, as well as various publicized school speaking engagements. But we can’t help but wonder, what the rapper will do in another event of his manhood being tested? We want to T.I. to remain free, so here are five ways the trapper can avoid getting into any more trouble and wounding up in a cell next to Lil Wayne.
1. Stay in the Studio And Stay Out of Walgreens Parking Lots
Sometimes, catching a case just happens. Fools step out of line, and certain procedural measures must be taken. Our recommendation is to try not to gather ammunition for war outside one of America’s favorite, and most frequented shopping stores. Instead, go the Jay-Z route: “I don't got [a] one gun army / got a slum army to hire a gun army / get you spun like laundry and I'll be somewhere under palm trees calmly.”
2. Start Doing Thorough Background Checks On Security Guards
When we say “background checks” we don’t mean the typical route of combing through documented work history. We’re talking about hitting the potential employee’s hood and getting the word on how often, if ever, that person has fibbed on their people. In a world of quick gain, you never know who has your back and who can be the inevitable (gasp) snitch.
3. Hire the Fruits of Islam as Security
Speaking of security, at this point anybody who’s anybody in the game knows that when it comes to real protection, no one keeps it trill like the Fruits of Islam. Even Diddy (then Puffy) hired this Nation of Islam paramilitary wing when things got crucial during the 90s East Coast/West Coast war. With these men guarding you, you will probably never have to worry about threats getting out of hand EVER…
4. Shoot Reality Shows Helping Kids Before You Do Dirt
That way, no one will ever suspect you of doing any wrong (“Who?! T.I.?! Knoooow!”). This can serve as strong visual evidence of your day-to-day social righteousness, and you get a paycheck on top of that. Plus, now it won’t just be the young rap fans who vouch for your good character, but the parents too!
5. Enlist in the U.S. Army
This is perhaps the easiest way T.I. can get all the machine guns he wants, without the repercussions. No matter what peace-heeding Democrats say, the United States of America is always looking for a few good men to throw up the metal for homeland security.