As Remy comes home from a six-year bid, VIBE welcomes Bronx’s lady lyricist back into society
First of all, you’re about to get out of jail, free. Congratulations! And, even though it means you have to spend time with your husband Papoose, it must feel so great to finally be on the other side of the glass partition. But enough about the past, right? Let’s talk about the future! It’s been a long six years you’ve been gone, and it’s time to get you caught up to speed. And while much of the world remains the same—shooting someone through the stomach: still against the law—so, so much has changed over the past half decade (i.e. Fat Joe now 100% fat free!).
You’ve probably heard that the record industry cratered long ago. Not true! In fact, hip-hop is doing incredibly well—so well that the biggest rap song ever was released just last year. Bigger than Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise,” bigger than any single Biggie ever put out. It’s called “Thrift Shop” and it’s by this guy, Macklemore, who also put out the fourth-best-performing rap song ever with “Can’t Hold Us!” He won, like, a million Grammys and deserved them all. It’s funny: Nas said “Hip-Hop is Dead,” and yet here we are! Bigger and better than ever.
Speaking of big things, Terio is a seven-year-old boy who is bigger than any of us will ever be. You’ve got to see his “Ooh, Kill Em” routine—you’ll just melt on the inside. Actually, you’ll need to learn all the dances you’ve missed out on, like #YEET and #NaeNae and #etc. It feels like there’s a new one every time I open up Vine. Do you know what Vine is? It doesn’t matter, there’s a new way to waste your time online every six seconds. (Thank God you didn’t get past the parole board a year earlier, or I’d have to explain the difference between the “Harlem Shake” and the “Harlem Shake.” I mean, it sucks that you didn’t get out, but, for my sake.)
I’m so looking forward to your new music, but you can’t step out looking like it’s still 2007. I’m no stylist, but it’s a new era! You want to show that you’ve evolved. When T.I. was released from prison, he got fitted in a suit and started rocking tortoise-shell glasses. I don’t think he even needs glasses, but hey, why not? So, melt the door-knocker earrings into a tiny Jesus piece—people will think you’ve found religion. And, if you’re a size zero, maybe you could borrow a dress from Young Thug? Just a thought.
Oh! And the smartest thing you could do now that you’re going to be out in the wild? Take that last collect call and hit up Mona Scott-Young. Get into a screaming match on a VH1 show and you could host events in Elizabeth, N.J. for the next 300 years. (Another reason to get rid of the earrings: Joe Budden’s latest Twitter treasure won’t be able to snatch them out.)
Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be fine. If not, global warming will come soon enough. —Jeff Rosenthal