Murphy’s Law: What Tiger Should Say

On Friday, Feb. 19, embattled golf star Tiger Woods is set to give his first public statement since his public Thanksgiving night crash that unleashed one of the most infamous sex scandals since President Bill Clinton showed his skills with a cigar. Since then, the most recognizable athlete on the planet has been connected with more than 12 D-level porn quality women who don’t fit the description of his wife. And while it’s going to be interesting to see if Eldridge will go the way of Kobe Bryant’s blubbering, tear-inducing, wife-in-tow mea culpa, here’s what Tiger should really say tomorrow:


Good morning. I would like to first start off by sincerely thanking the fans, public and press for giving me your time amid a moment where my public struggles pale in comparison to the uncertainty of the day-to-day economic situation that many American’s face. It is moments like the heartfelt earthquake tragedy in Haiti and the deaths of our brave American soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq that gives us all proper perspective on things. With that said, I have heard and read many public comments and stories said and written about my personal issues, and I would now like to set the record straight.

For the last few months, I have been dealing with the life-changing implications of my serial infidelity. I have witnessed first hand how my brazenly selfish behavior has deeply embarrassed and disappointed my dear mother Kultida, close friends and sponsors as well as cast a dark cloud over the head of my precious daughter Sam. I am also ashamed at what my father would think of this entire mess that I put my family and the Woods name through. But most of all, I have embarrassed and deeply broken the trust of my loving wife Elin. Simply put, for years I have been living a lie. During my time on and away from the PGA tour, I committed various acts of adultery. After my actions came to a head during a car accident on Thanksgiving evening, a moment that I could have lost my life over my own blatant stupidity, I was forced to take stock of my personal demons. It was for that reason I decided to check myself into a sex addiction clinic. Today, as I continue to work through my personal issues, my only priority is earning back the trust of my patient wife and family.

However, there will be no public apologies made to my enthusiastic and supportive fans. I realize that many of you viewed me as a heroic figure that could break down racial and social barriers through the sport that I have loved ever since I was a child. I understand that when you witnessed my I-Am-Tiger-Woods Nike commercial campaign that it gave you the inspiration to rise above any situation to become the best you could be. Unfortunately, I am as human as you. It is my hope that the fans understand that what it really comes down to is that I am just a guy who plays golf for a living. Yes, I have been blessed with the ability to earn millions, but me putting on a Masters jacket could never have the same profound impact on your lives as your favorite teacher in high school or college pushing you to go beyond yourself. Or the love, guidance and support that a mother, father or any other family member or close friend could only provide.

Nor will I apologize to the media. Of course, I respect that you have a job to do. It would be silly for me to blame my own self-destruction on the wall-to-wall coverage that my infidelities garnered. As stated previously, I take full responsibility for my actions. Some people have questioned my decision today to not allow questions from the press. The truth of the matter is my actions never hurt the New York Post, Us Weekly, The Enquirer, or ESPN. In fact, it can be argued that my scandalous behavior increased all your economic bottom lines. Indeed, my story has become good business, a reality that I have more than come to terms with. Yet, I am given solace by the fact that greater men than I such as President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Muhammad Ali have dealt with their own issues of infidelity. If I can possess an ounce of the determination, integrity and courage of the men above, I will survive all of this.

As for my future in the PGA? Well, it will be a decision made by myself and my family in terms of when I will return. However, when I do, there will be no press conference to trumpet my return to golf. I will rise above the derogatory comments made by some of my fellow golfers like Mr. Ernie Els, Mr. Ben Crane and respected legends like Mr. Tom Watson, who know nothing of my personal struggles, thus should keep their comments to themselves.   I know that I still possess the talent to be the best golfer on the planet and I intend on coming back. But only after I heal the pain that I have caused my family.

Thank you….

What do you think Tiger Woods should say at his press conference tomorrow?


With all apologies due to Mick Jagger, Keith “Murph” Murphy may not be a man of immense wealth, but he does have taste. For over a decade, the Chicago-born journalist has sparred with brazen hip hop moguls (Jay-Z); Hollywood royalty (Quentin Tarantino); political powerbrokers (Rev. Al Shaprton); redemption-seeking pugilists (Mike Tyson); R&B divas (Mary J. Blige); and lyrically great white hopes (Eminem). His work has appeared in such publications and sites as VIBE, Essence, The Root, and KING, and he is a frequent commentator on CNN, Fox News, VH1, and A&E Biography.

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Check out Kanye's Twitter rant below.

Drake called trying to threatened me

— ye (@kanyewest) December 14, 2018

So drake if anything happens to me or anyone from my family you are the first suspect So cut the tough talk

— ye (@kanyewest) December 14, 2018

It just doesn’t sit right on my spirit

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He be texting people I know like it’s cool But won’t sit and talk with me

— ye (@kanyewest) December 14, 2018

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— ye (@kanyewest) December 14, 2018

We both too high profile for you to actually do something to me

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You say all this shut to me but won’t say none of that to J prince

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Talk tough to real gangsters bro

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You trying to be a bully. I never been bullied in my life and I never will be. That’s why I made it this far in a pink polo

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How you gone text Kriss but not speak to me

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Nobody scared of anything

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Leave me and my family alone bro

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— Spencer Althouse (@SpencerAlthouse) December 9, 2018

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View this post on Instagram


Over the weekend, a 2006 video of @oprah tasting an *interesting* chicken dish made its rounds online. We asked the O of O, what REALLY went through her mind as the cameras were on her—and she answered. Swipe left if you haven’t seen the hysterical video! #tbt

A post shared by O, The Oprah Magazine (@oprahmagazine) on Dec 13, 2018 at 7:13am PST

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