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Personal Notes: Knowing When To Care From Afar

Remember that positive, yet torturous saying:

The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you, knowing you can never have them.

Yeah, that one.

It sucks every time I read it because that familiar pang attacks my insides. I happen to be the lucky winner of learning how to care for someone from a distance right now who hasn't done anything wrong. I, admittedly, am a control freak, so when I want something, I tend to do just about anything to get it. Not being able to direct this situation in the way I need it to go is literally killing me. Growing pains, I suppose.

Relationships, in the past, were like games for me. How can I one up him? I would not call first for fear of "losing," I would say just the right things to win the argument and even snoop to find out what I needed to know. As you can figure, ultimately, I ended up the loser. Why? Because that's a manipulative and selfish way to care about someone.

That was then.

Now? I'm like an open book. (Maybe too open.) I say what I feel. If I want to call, I call. If I miss him, I'll say that too. And I'll apologize when I know (and am absolutely certain) that I am wrong. So why do I have to love him from afar? Well, because his "now" is my "then." You see, you tend to sync with the person you care about. Mannerisms, sayings, behaviors, etc. For example, you may be up late and he calls. You both can't sleep… That's not a coinky dink, folks; that's synergy. And just as great as it can be, that synergy can draw you back to some really bad habits. (Word to Kelly Rowland.)

I'm convinced that I don't need to completely understand the "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing yet. Shit, and I really don't understand the "we've-been-talking-for-over-a-year-but-we're-just-friends" thing. For now, I simply haven't nailed how to healthily balance me, my life and a "him" yet. Not with the way I need attention or honesty these days. I learned early on that you can't change someone; they have to change themselves. So while I would like to continue the friendship, it can't be penciled onto my life's calendar. (Leave a message at the beep...) I've witnessed so many of my friends sacrifice so much just to be with or around a guy. Nah, I'm so good on all of that.

Could he call me needing an ear? Sure. Every day? Nope. I truly believe that if you're not gaining anything in a situation, you're losing something, and quite possibly the most important stuff. If there's no mutual motivation or push for greatness, something is wrong. If you're giving 80 and he's giving 20, the whole thing is off. And, Vixens, always remember that when the fun is gone, that's it. (Men love fun!) I can't say that I type this without some gem-like memories of good times, but I'm at a point where I have to trust myself enough, ya know? It only proves to be hard when I know he'll be the only one to get the joke I'm laughing at or understand why I'm having a sucky day. But I can't get wrapped up in what's not there…

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SZA Calls For Peace While Receiving 'Rule Breaker' Award At Billboard Women In Music

SZA called for peace and understanding at Billboard's Women In Music event Thursday (Dec. 6).

During her speech for the Rule Breaker award, singer-songwriter recalled today's climate, asking her peers and those watching at home for a little bit of peace.

"I'm sorry for the state of the world honestly, for everybody in this room and I pray that all of us just get through it a little bit easier and just try not to lash out at each other," she said.

The recurring theme of unity among women was also heard on the carpet from artists like Tierra Whack. In addition to her message of love, the "Broken Clocks" singer also thanked her TDE family for rocking with her creative process.

"I'm just so thankful for everybody having patience with me, " she said. Shouting out the key members of her family in attendance, the TDE affiliate gave praise to her mother, father, and grandma. In this brief speech centered around the artist's growth Solána Imani Rowe, known more commonly as her stage name, Rowe everyone for their trust in her.

"I'm grateful for everybody taking the time to have the patience to watch someone grow, it is painful and sometimes exciting but mostly boring. And I am thankful for Top (Top Dawg Entertainment's Anthony Tiffith) for not dropping me from that label. For Peter, who I change my ideas every day and he be like okay I like this," she continued.

Thanking the likes of musical powerhouses like Alicia Keys and Whack, "The Weekend" singer offered her appreciation and condolences to Ariana Grande.

Watch SZA accept the Rule Breaker award above.

READ MORE: Anderson .Paak, Tierra Whack And More Praise Female Artists At 2018 Billboard Women In Music

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Beyoncé, Rihanna, And J. Lo Make Forbes’ Highest-Paid Women In Music List

As November comes to a close, many publications will be crafting their year-end lists for all things pop culture. Forbes released a ranking of the world's highest-paid women in music on Monday (Nov. 19), with Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez, and Rihanna holding it down for women of color.

Beyoncé comes in at No. 3 on the list with an earning of $60 million as she made most of her money through her historical Coachella performance, the joint album with husband JAY-Z, Everything is Love, and the Carters' On The Run II Tour in support of its release.

Jennifer Lopez made No. 6 for earnings tallying of over $47 million thanks to her lucrative Las Vegas residency, endorsements, and shows including World of Dance where she serves as a judge.

Rihanna follows behind the "Love Don't Cost A Thing" diva at No. 7 with earnings of over $37.5 million. Although she hasn't toured since 2016—thanks to her cosmetics and lingerie lines, Fenty Beauty and Savage Lingerie—the Bajan pop star has been keeping herself busy.

Forbes' annual list (which factors in pretax earnings from June 1, 2017, through June 1, 2018) has placed Katy Perry at the top with over $83 million in profits due to her gig as an American Idol judge and her 80-date Witness: The Tour that brought in an estimated $1 million per night.

Scroll down to see Forbes' full list below.

Katy Perry ($83 million) Taylor Swift ($80 million) Beyoncé ($60 million) P!nk ($52 million) Lady Gaga ($50 million) Jennifer Lopez ($47 million) Rihanna ($37.5 million) Helene Fischer ($32 million) Celine Dion ($31 million) Britney Spears ($30 million)


READ MORE: Nas Makes Forbes’ List Of ‘Hip-Hop Cash Kings’ For The First Time

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Kelly Rowland Hops In Her Bag With New Single "Kelly"

Kelly Rowland has it all and isn't afraid to brag about it on her new single, "Kelly."

Released Thursday (Nov. 22), the singer goes the clubby, confident route while rightfully dropping her attributes like her relationship with God, smoldering looks (a.k.a the drip) among other things. With "Kelly" being the first single since her 2013's Talk a Good Game, the singer comes out swinging, reminding everyone of her power in the game.

The mother of one has promised that her new tunes will be edgier and most honest than her past work that included vulnerable tracks like "Dirty Laundry" and massive hits like "Motivation" and "Commander." Speaking with Vogue over the summer, Ms. Kelly disclosed a few details behind the album.

“It’s about love, loss, and gain and whether it’s professional or with family or whatever, it’s just honest," she said. "I had no choice but to be honest and authentic with this record: it’s about friendship and marriage.”

She also explained a drop in confidence caused her hiatus. “I was thinking about pulling back from recording, but I couldn’t help myself: I still wanted to record. I still felt like I was missing something. The third year just came and left so fast. The fourth year I said: ‘I have to get to work’ and now I’m ready to release some music! I felt like I wasted so much time, and it was my husband who actually called me out on it. He said: ‘Babe, as great as those records were, I think you were nervous, you got gun-shy’, and when he said that it was like boom, a gong went off.”

Glad to have you back, Ms. Kelly. Listen to the eponymous record up top.

READ MORE: Kelly Rowland Debuts Smoke x Mirrors Eyewear Collection At Barneys New York

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