Personal Notes: Knowing When To Care From Afar

Remember that positive, yet torturous saying:

The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you, knowing you can never have them.

Yeah, that one.

It sucks every time I read it because that familiar pang attacks my insides. I happen to be the lucky winner of learning how to care for someone from a distance right now who hasn’t done anything wrong. I, admittedly, am a control freak, so when I want something, I tend to do just about anything to get it. Not being able to direct this situation in the way I need it to go is literally killing me. Growing pains, I suppose.

Relationships, in the past, were like games for me. How can I one up him? I would not call first for fear of “losing,” I would say just the right things to win the argument and even snoop to find out what I needed to know. As you can figure, ultimately, I ended up the loser. Why? Because that’s a manipulative and selfish way to care about someone.

That was then.

Now? I’m like an open book. (Maybe too open.) I say what I feel. If I want to call, I call. If I miss him, I’ll say that too. And I’ll apologize when I know (and am absolutely certain) that I am wrong. So why do I have to love him from afar? Well, because his “now” is my “then.” You see, you tend to sync with the person you care about. Mannerisms, sayings, behaviors, etc. For example, you may be up late and he calls. You both can’t sleep… That’s not a coinky dink, folks; that’s synergy. And just as great as it can be, that synergy can draw you back to some really bad habits. (Word to Kelly Rowland.)

I’m convinced that I don’t need to completely understand the “boyfriend-girlfriend” thing yet. Shit, and I really don’t understand the “we’ve-been-talking-for-over-a-year-but-we’re-just-friends” thing. For now, I simply haven’t nailed how to healthily balance me, my life and a “him” yet. Not with the way I need attention or honesty these days. I learned early on that you can’t change someone; they have to change themselves. So while I would like to continue the friendship, it can’t be penciled onto my life’s calendar. (Leave a message at the beep…) I’ve witnessed so many of my friends sacrifice so much just to be with or around a guy. Nah, I’m so good on all of that.

Could he call me needing an ear? Sure. Every day? Nope. I truly believe that if you’re not gaining anything in a situation, you’re losing something, and quite possibly the most important stuff. If there’s no mutual motivation or push for greatness, something is wrong. If you’re giving 80 and he’s giving 20, the whole thing is off. And, Vixens, always remember that when the fun is gone, that’s it. (Men love fun!) I can’t say that I type this without some gem-like memories of good times, but I’m at a point where I have to trust myself enough, ya know? It only proves to be hard when I know he’ll be the only one to get the joke I’m laughing at or understand why I’m having a sucky day. But I can’t get wrapped up in what’s not there…