V Exclusive! Charlamagne Tha God Shares a Life Lesson ‘To Cheat and Not Get Caught’

As a part of Power 105’s The Breakfast Cub radio show, Charlamagne Tha God always speaks from the heart. Even if you don’t agree with everything he says, his insight and comments will make you stop and pay attention. In an exclusive blog entry for VIBE.com, the host broke down one of his most valuable life lessons: To Cheat and Not Get Caught.

Charlamagne: To cheat and not get caught, that is the only method.  Before anyone out there gets offended–I’m not condoning cheating.  I’m not even saying cheating is right. All I’m saying is think of when you find out your kids are having sex. You may not want them to.  You will even let them know they should wait and you don’t agree with their behavior but you have to explain to them how to protect themselves. You’re going to caution them about STDs and pregnancy and everything else you want them to know about sex.  Even though you’ve told them it’s wrong to have sex you know they’re going to do it anyway, so you might as well school them on doing it right.

Ladies, I hear you.  “Why the hell do you men have to cheat in the first place?”  “If you have a good woman at home, then why can’t you be satisfied with what you have?”  First of all, if I do decide to partake in some extracurricular activities, it is not a reflection of what I’m not getting at home, and it is not a reflection of not being satisfied.  In fact it has nothing to do with my wife, girlfriend, or main chick at all.  It has to do with the fact that for a brief moment in time I was attracted to a member of the opposite sex which is highly natural.  No emotions, no mental or spiritual connection, just a straight physical encounter that can’t and won’t hurt anybody if you do it correctly.  What is doing it “correctly”, you ask?  Correctly is: Cheat and not get caught.
I believe that it wasn’t the alleged 105 extra marital affairs that Kobe had during his marriage to Vanessa that are causing him to lose his wife and 75 million and it wasn’t the cheating that made Bill Clinton lie to the American public by denying any sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky back in 1998.  It is also not the cheating that caused Tiger Woods to lose his wife along with millions of dollars in endorsements and his golfing ability. If it wasn’t the cheating, then what was it?  Ladies and Ghettomen, boys and girls even all you crackheads, pimps, and pedophiles, the reason all these situations went down is because the men got caught! 
What people don’t understand is the cheating doesn’t hurt, because what you don’t know can’t hurt you!  If I don’t bring any STDs home, if I don’t get any other chicks pregnant, if you don’t feel like you need to look through my phone and stress me about where I go or where I have been, then that means we have a happy home.  That means no harm, no foul.  That means if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it fall then who gives a fuck?  It’s the getting caught that causes the problems!  Men, we don’t take this cheating thing serious enough.  When you are cheating you have to act like you are making a major, major drug transaction. You have to move like you have 80 kilos of cocaine and one of George W. Bush’s daughters tied up in your trunk. You have to treat it like you can’t afford to get caught and the last thing you want is to face the consequences of your significant other.
Men we have to start moving like women.  (Pause…all of you Young Money Minded Mutha F*ckers with your tight jeans, Mohawks, and v neck t-shirts; don’t get excited put your eyeliner away.)  What I mean by that is women move in the shadows.  I really believe women would make better drug dealers than men. I’m not promoting the selling of drugs; I am just trying to use an analogy that my hood niggas can understand.  A woman can get up at seven in the morning, work until five, come home and cook, clean and put the kids to bed. That is her everyday routine.  She’s not on her cell phone texting in the middle of the night, never taking her phone in the bathroom to make a call so you would never suspect a thing.  What you don’t realize is somewhere in that 9 to 5 she had some cock for lunch homie. She told you she was going to get a 12 inch you thought she was talking about a Subway Sandwich, 5 dollars for a footling my ass!
You men do the opposite; texting all the damn time, taking your phone in the bathroom whispering not realizing it’s magnified times ten in a bathroom.  When men jump-off, they have a tendency to change there patterns, start breaking routines and shit making up dumb ass lies.  There are no haircuts being given out at midnight on a Sunday.  You swear you’re getting away with something but your woman is not stupid.  Truthfully your girl is probably fucking that same barber you claim to be going to see.  He is cutting your hair and cutting your woman at the same damn time and you don’t even realize it. Men are dogs, women are cats. Dogs fuck in broad daylight; they get stuck together looking all crazy in the yard at 12 noon when the sun is at its highest.  Everyone can see them and they even say, “Look at them dumbass dogs.”  That’s why whenever men get caught cheating women say, “Look at that dumb ass dog!”  Now women, they move like cats; mysterious and sneaky.  You have never in your life seen two cats fucking.  You always see the kittens though so you know they’re getting it in.  As a matter of fact, when cats mate, multiple male cats will be attracted to the one female cat in heat?  The males will fight over her, and the victor wins the right to mate.  At first, the female will reject the male, but eventually the female will allow the male to mate.  After mating, the female will give herself a thorough wash.  If a male attempts to breed with her at this point, the female will attack him.  Once the female is done grooming, the cycle will repeat.
Women go through the same process.  If a woman is in a relationship, she is not just going to give herself to any man trying to get at her.  They have to fight for her attention and the one who s moves less like a dog and more like a cat is the one who will win the right to sleep with here.  When they are finish getting it in, the woman goes into her zone like the female cat when she is grooming.  If the male tries to get at her during this period she attacks him by demanding that he not call her.  “I’ll call you when I need it,” and that is the way it should be. 
Men want to lock everything down.  They want to control everything.  Homie, did you not forget you have a main chick at home?  You can’t be doing all the extra shit brother!  Know when to hold them and know when to fold them.  Getting all emotionally attached, taking your side chick out on dates, eating in the same restaurants you take your main chick to and sending your side chick to shop in the same stores your significant other does. You’re about to get caught and fuck it up for the rest of the men who know how to properly cheat!
And all you dudes with main girls, if you have a side chick don’t kiss her, don’t hold her hand, don’t eat her pussy, NEVER get completely naked when you bone her, please don’t bang her raw, and please don’t be texting her and calling her to ask how her day was. You are not her man, and she is not your woman.  Those things I just mentioned are only for your main sugar stain.  If you are violating any of these rules you might as well turn yourself in because you are about to get caught.  It’s almost over, Aretha Franklin a.k.a. the fat lady is singing, that upper room is being prepared for you, somewhere someone is buying fresh flowers to put on your grave cause you about to kill your whole beautiful situation at home.  It won’t be because you cheated, but because you got caught. 
Now I have shared with you my jewels.  Apply them to your life properly and for the record all this research I have compiled on cheating was done on a strictly second hand basis.  I have not experienced first hand any of the things I have talked about.  Smart men learn from they’re own mistakes and wise men learn from the mistakes of others.  I am a wise man and I have learned from the mistakes of others. (Cthagod’s translation – I’m not fucking up my happy home cause of some nonsense I spewed in a article).  Until next time the Sinister Minister Charlamagne Tha God says Peace and remember to cheat and not get caught that is the method.

(These views do not necessarily reflect those of VIBE.com)