The LeBron James Quiz: Should You Go Bald?
If your hairline is making a Usain Bolt dash away from your forehead, it may be time to let your dome roam free. Complete this coif quiz to determine whether you should bow out gracefully or keep holdin’ on
1. How old are you?
a) Younger than 23 (0)
b) 23-30 (+1)
c) 31-36 (+2)
d) Older than 36 (+3)
2. Did you just lie about your age?
a) Yeah, my bad (+1)
b) Nope (0)
3. Compared to your prom snapshot, your forehead is:
a) More expansive, fivehead-esque (+1)
b) About the same (0)
4. Which more closely matches your untrimmed hairline (i.e. day before a shape-up)?
a) A straight or slightly bowed line (-2)
b) The letter M (+2)
c) A row of shot-up spaceships in Galaga (+2)
d) Mickey Mouse’s shape-up (+3)
e) A boomerang (+3)
5. You usually wear hats:
a) Outdoors only (0)
b) Indoors and outdoors (+1)
c) Indoors, outdoors and sometimes to bed (+4)
6. Ever rock braids?
a) Yes, regrettably (+1)
b) Nope (0)
7. If so, how tight were/are your plaits?
a) Comfortable, but neat (0)
b) Eyebrow-raising (literally) (+2)
8. Compared to your thickest patch of hair, the crown of your head…
a) Is a bit thinner (+1)
b) Is equally fuzzed (-1)
c) Fades out like an instrumental (+2)
d) What thickest patch? (+5)
9. How’s your chest mane?
a) Barer than a preteen (-2)
b) Scattered strands (0)
c) Thick as T-Pain’s locks (+2)
10. Which of the following describes your dad’s noggin?
a) Full mop on top (-3)
b) 3D forehead (+1)
c) Reverse Mohawk (+2)
d) Hole-in-one hair (+2)
e) Nude (+3)
YOUR SCORE: SHOULD YOU GO BALD?
Less than 10 points: Breathe easy, bro. You’re far from a Homer Simpson three-strand combover. Be sure to shampoo (1) and condition (2) your scalp regularly to keep your follicles frolicking.
Between 10-16 points: Some fuzz may be coming off the top like a freestyle, but don’t lose your head. Mount a preemptive strike and massage those fading fronts three or four times weekly with coconut milk (rinse out thoroughly) or warm organic castor oil to spark growth. If your hairline is so far gone, grab a Minoxidil-powered stimulant (3) for hair loss—check with your MD first—and pray for fruitful crops.
More than 16 points: Sorry, Fall Out Boy; your coif is gracing the side of a milk carton. Snip that remaining struggle hair with electric clippers (4), mowing against the grain. Smooth it out by exfoliating (5), then slicking on shaving cream (6) with a brush (7) and stroking in the direction of your hair’s (non) growth with a razor (8). Once you’ve bared all, tone with an alcohol-free astringent and sun-blocking moisturizer (9) for a Birdman-like chrome dome—minus the star tats.
PRODUCTS:
(1) Aveda Men Pure-formance Shampoo, $18, aveda.com | (2) Peter Thomas Roth Botanical Oasis Conditioner, $18, drugstore.com | (3) Rogaine Extra Strength for Men, $30, folica.com | (4) Wahl Professional 8110 5-star Series Balding Clipper, $43, folica.com | (5) HeadBlade HeadShed Exfoliator, $10, drugstore.com | (6) Nivea for Men Sensitive Shaving Gel, $3, drugstore.com | (7) The Art of Shaving Pure Badger Shaving Brush, $55, theartofshaving.com | (8) HeadBlade Sport Ultimate Head Shave, $13, drugstore.com | (9) Jack Black Sun Guard Very Water/Sweat Resistant Sunscreen SPF30, $20, getjackblack.com
