I Lie.... I Lie....

I Lie...

As a single woman who is relatively successful, I always get asked that dreaded question. You know the question I'm talking about, the "When are you getting married?" question. It never fails. I don't care how much I'm able to achieve in my career and how high up the corporate ladder I climb, I always get asked that question. So, I lie ...

I know you're asking yourself what would a college-educated woman have to lie about, so please let me explain. I lie and say that I'm married to my career although I know that deep down inside I'm lonely. I mean don't get me wrong, I love being single and all the freedom that it allows, but just once I would love to know what it feels like to be in love. I would love to feel that feeling of my heart racing when his ringtone chimes on my phone. I know it sounds childish, but honestly I long for that feeling. But because I don't want to get my hopes up high only to be disappointed, I lie ...

I've convinced myself that love doesn't exist for me. I mean let's be honest, who in their right mind would love me? The media and some black "authors" have done nothing but stoke my fears about there not being any brothers out there that are willing to love me. They basically told me that as a single, educated black woman I'm the least desired by anyone. So here I am lying to myself in order to convince myself that I can go through the world alone without love. I lie ...

I can walk into a boardroom and command the room, but yet I dread facing my auntie at the family gatherings because I know she's going to ask me that dreaded question; instantly making me feel less than. Now don't get me wrong, I know my auntie isn't asking to hurt my feelings. I believe she really and truly wants the best for me, and in her wanting the best she believes the best involves marriage and children. So instead of telling her how I've been praying to God to send me a man. A good man. An honest man. A funny man. A man that loves God and his mother. I lie ...

I lie because lying is easier than living in a reality where love may not exist for me. Lying allows me, if only for a moment, to be in control of something that is so uncontrollable—love. Lying allows me to hide my fears and the fact that I am scared. It allows me to pretend that those dreams I had about my life as a little kid never existed. I just sweep that part of my life under the rug and pretend I never wrote out the names of my future kids in my diary when I was thirteen-years-old.

Lying allows me to forget about those nights I spent at home alone crying thinking about those past loves and what went wrong. Lying allows me to hide my insecurities and the fact that superwoman has a chink in her armor.

Dammit I'm human and I have feelings. So, instead of dealing with those feelings head-on like I'm supposed to, I just lie and pray to God they'll go away. Because if I can convince you to believe the lie maybe one day I can convince myself. You know, convince myself into believing that I'm okay.

So until that day, I'll continue to lie ... because hell I'm tired!

- Melanie Calhoun

From the Web

More on Vibe

SZA Calls For Peace While Receiving 'Rule Breaker' Award At Billboard Women In Music

SZA called for peace and understanding at Billboard's Women In Music event Thursday (Dec. 6).

During her speech for the Rule Breaker award, singer-songwriter recalled today's climate, asking her peers and those watching at home for a little bit of peace.

"I'm sorry for the state of the world honestly, for everybody in this room and I pray that all of us just get through it a little bit easier and just try not to lash out at each other," she said.

The recurring theme of unity among women was also heard on the carpet from artists like Tierra Whack. In addition to her message of love, the "Broken Clocks" singer also thanked her TDE family for rocking with her creative process.

"I'm just so thankful for everybody having patience with me, " she said. Shouting out the key members of her family in attendance, the TDE affiliate gave praise to her mother, father, and grandma. In this brief speech centered around the artist's growth Solána Imani Rowe, known more commonly as her stage name, Rowe everyone for their trust in her.

"I'm grateful for everybody taking the time to have the patience to watch someone grow, it is painful and sometimes exciting but mostly boring. And I am thankful for Top (Top Dawg Entertainment's Anthony Tiffith) for not dropping me from that label. For Peter, who I change my ideas every day and he be like okay I like this," she continued.

Thanking the likes of musical powerhouses like Alicia Keys and Whack, "The Weekend" singer offered her appreciation and condolences to Ariana Grande.

Watch SZA accept the Rule Breaker award above.

READ MORE: Anderson .Paak, Tierra Whack And More Praise Female Artists At 2018 Billboard Women In Music

Continue Reading

Beyoncé, Rihanna, And J. Lo Make Forbes’ Highest-Paid Women In Music List

As November comes to a close, many publications will be crafting their year-end lists for all things pop culture. Forbes released a ranking of the world's highest-paid women in music on Monday (Nov. 19), with Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez, and Rihanna holding it down for women of color.

Beyoncé comes in at No. 3 on the list with an earning of $60 million as she made most of her money through her historical Coachella performance, the joint album with husband JAY-Z, Everything is Love, and the Carters' On The Run II Tour in support of its release.

Jennifer Lopez made No. 6 for earnings tallying of over $47 million thanks to her lucrative Las Vegas residency, endorsements, and shows including World of Dance where she serves as a judge.

Rihanna follows behind the "Love Don't Cost A Thing" diva at No. 7 with earnings of over $37.5 million. Although she hasn't toured since 2016—thanks to her cosmetics and lingerie lines, Fenty Beauty and Savage Lingerie—the Bajan pop star has been keeping herself busy.

Forbes' annual list (which factors in pretax earnings from June 1, 2017, through June 1, 2018) has placed Katy Perry at the top with over $83 million in profits due to her gig as an American Idol judge and her 80-date Witness: The Tour that brought in an estimated $1 million per night.

Scroll down to see Forbes' full list below.

Katy Perry ($83 million) Taylor Swift ($80 million) Beyoncé ($60 million) P!nk ($52 million) Lady Gaga ($50 million) Jennifer Lopez ($47 million) Rihanna ($37.5 million) Helene Fischer ($32 million) Celine Dion ($31 million) Britney Spears ($30 million)

 

READ MORE: Nas Makes Forbes’ List Of ‘Hip-Hop Cash Kings’ For The First Time

Continue Reading

Kelly Rowland Hops In Her Bag With New Single "Kelly"

Kelly Rowland has it all and isn't afraid to brag about it on her new single, "Kelly."

Released Thursday (Nov. 22), the singer goes the clubby, confident route while rightfully dropping her attributes like her relationship with God, smoldering looks (a.k.a the drip) among other things. With "Kelly" being the first single since her 2013's Talk a Good Game, the singer comes out swinging, reminding everyone of her power in the game.

The mother of one has promised that her new tunes will be edgier and most honest than her past work that included vulnerable tracks like "Dirty Laundry" and massive hits like "Motivation" and "Commander." Speaking with Vogue over the summer, Ms. Kelly disclosed a few details behind the album.

“It’s about love, loss, and gain and whether it’s professional or with family or whatever, it’s just honest," she said. "I had no choice but to be honest and authentic with this record: it’s about friendship and marriage.”

She also explained a drop in confidence caused her hiatus. “I was thinking about pulling back from recording, but I couldn’t help myself: I still wanted to record. I still felt like I was missing something. The third year just came and left so fast. The fourth year I said: ‘I have to get to work’ and now I’m ready to release some music! I felt like I wasted so much time, and it was my husband who actually called me out on it. He said: ‘Babe, as great as those records were, I think you were nervous, you got gun-shy’, and when he said that it was like boom, a gong went off.”

Glad to have you back, Ms. Kelly. Listen to the eponymous record up top.

READ MORE: Kelly Rowland Debuts Smoke x Mirrors Eyewear Collection At Barneys New York

Continue Reading

Top Stories