1. Why Are You Here, Mo’Nique?
Before we got into the reunion, Mo’Nique tries to answer the burning question in many people’s minds: “Why in the hell are you here?” Before she became an Oscar-winning actress, Mo’Nique worked with VH1 as the host of Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School. Not to be all saddity about it, but Queen Latifah scored only an Oscar nomination and the only check she collects from Viacom is the one for executive producing Single Ladies. And Jennifer Hudson has been hollering on stage and on the big screen ever since her win.
To be fair, Mo’Nique does explain that on one faithful Saturday afternoon, she found herself so enthralled with the show. Let her tell it, she realized “what an adventure it was.” Call me cynical, but I bet that was after she had already signed the contract and VH1 shipped her homework. She tries to make it seem like her being there is some sort of noble act, but rumor has it she’s alienated many people in Hollywood, and to quote Young Jeezy, “And Georgia Power won’t give a n*gga lights free.”
2. “Hi, I’m Here, Too”
Poor Cyn Santana. If I were her, I’d use this cheap fame to get on that Evelyn Lozada career and relationship plan and keep it moving. Her relationship with Erica Mena has always seemed like a farce, though I will say that Cyn appears to be legitimately into Erica. However, on Erica’s end, it just seems like she found a girl that looks like her and then decided to treat her the way she felt Rich should have treated her.
As Cyn said so herself, “All I hear is ‘Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich.’” Yes, and even I’m sick of it. Mo’Nique tries to talk to all three, but we all knew how that was gonna go down even before it happened. Erica yells at Rich in sheer rage – proving just how much she still cares for him. Meanwhile, Cyn sits there wondering if she turned into Casper The Spanish Ghost.
The Cyn vs. Rich over Erica portion of the reunion takes up a significant portion of the broadcast. But yeah, they’re not worth obsessing over. Cyn herself says backstage,
“They’re clearly still in love with each other. This is nothing new.” Then figure out what you’re gonna do, Cyn, and save us all from their “Will they? Won’t they?” asses.
Oh, and Erica: "I didn't ask for this." Girl, whatever. You are the maker of your madness. Your hair was cute, though.
3. Yandy, Nya Lee, and Erica’s Costume Changes
Yandy is asked if she still keeps in touch with Mendecees. She very proudly notes that they speak several times during the day. Unfortunately, his legal problems haven’t lessened, so at this point, I kind of want to sign her up for OkCupid. You know, when she’s ready.
Erica Mena decides to have a costume change, most likely in an attempt to be Uptown’s answer to Joseline Hernandez, Baby. Either way, she changes her clothes but continues fighting with everyone – notably Nya Lee. The same way she immediately pounced on Rich, Erica starts cursing out Nya Lee about being a stripper, repeatedly call her a bitch, blah, blah, Erica needs to shut up.
At one point, Nya Lee swings on Erica. And then, magic happens: Somehow they both realize there was no reason for them to be fighting. I could’ve told them that several episodes ago. Better late than never. I guess.
4. Hip-Hop Hannibal Strikes Again
If you ever have a friend who needs to learn about the dangers of emotionally abusive men, refer them to Joe Budden’s reality TV career. Joe may have been dressed like he was about to go play polo with Ralph and Carlton Banks, but he's still vicious as ever in that ever monotonic voice of his.
First: “She keeps saying, ‘I moved on, I moved on, I moved on,’ like somebody gives a fuck, my nigga, do I look like [getting] women is a problem?”
Second: He denies Tahiry when she claims they went through thick and thin, telling her that she was a “runner” who “left at thick.” That sets Tahiry off and she ultimately breaks into tears as Joe sits there – in that Hannibal Lector ass disposition. Tahiry takes a great sense of pride in loyalty, so for him to attack her in that way is calculated and intentionally hurtful.
He tries to clean it up, but he's using a toothbrush when his ass needs a bulldozer. Tahiry: RUN.
5. Tara and The Pankys
In the most awful portion of part one of the reunion, Peter Gunz continues to provide reasons for his sons to hate him in the future. It’s bad enough that he’s already disrespected Tara throughout the season, but for him to go on the reunion and throw additional salt on her wounds is the kind of foul that makes you want to tap your inner wicked witch and cast a spell that has his toes falling off one by one until he’s busting his ass in one of those awful Northeastern snowstorms.
I get it: Peter has moved on for better or worse. Yet, he and his new wife, Amina Buddafly, proceed to perform a duet about how they screwed Tara over. Tara has to sit there and listen to them harmonize over that awful song. I’m surprised she didn’t pull out a blade and start cutting people on stage.
More, before we even get to that fourth tier Ja Rule and Ashanti track, Peter decides to finally own that he’s cheated on Tara more than twice. Sir, you don’t think you could’ve let her know that before the day of filming? As for Mo’Nique’s assertion to Tara that “you get them how you lose them.” Ma’am, if Tara didn’t know Peter was engaged when she started dating him, that’s not the same thing as Amina Buddafly gleefully throwing her marriage into Tara’s face knowing damn well he was still living and sexing her. This is why you cannot be the millennial Mother Love. She knew better.
Tara deserves a little something extra in her check to have to sit there and listen to them throw their sad lil' relationship in her face.
By the way, Amina, I wouldn't cop your album out of Jesus' hand for free.