RIP Joan Rivers: The Funniest Quotes By The Fashion Comedian
Today we lost one of the pioneering funny women of comedy, Joan Rivers.
She ruffled many feathers, she made many laugh, and most of all, she had no filter, but as Ms. Rivers would point out, "I succeeded by saying what everyone else was thinking." And to be honest, she was boldly right.
Today the entertainment and fashion world mourned the death of the comedic fashion critic as she passed away at 81. Her daughter, Melissa Rivers, confirmed her passing while also reminding us to remember the laughs her mother gave us while she was alive. "My mother’s greatest joy in life was to make people laugh. Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon," Melissa Rivers said in a statement.
She left her roller coaster career on a high note with her successful E! show, Fashion Police, but that came after her long career in stand up comedy. Joan's nitch in life was finding the humor in everything and making it known that no one was safe, not even herself.
Before she slipped into her coma that eventually took her life, she left a funny sour note in everyone's mouth with her last comments. As we celebrate the life of one of the funniest women in the business, take a look at the funniest Joan River quotes, but be warned, she's not for the timid and easily offended.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
On Plastic Surgery
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
“My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”
Stand up Comedy
“The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”
“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
“Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”
Sex and Relationships
"Why women don’t blink during foreplay… not enough time."
“The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.”
"It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up."
“Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.”
“A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.”
“We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.”
“I believe in telling it like it is. I’ve always been a no-holds barred type of person. I let it all hang out. I’m in bed eating Cheetos. How’s that for telling it all? Who else would admit that over the phone?”
Jokes About Herself
"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.””
“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”
“It’s like herpes: You either have it or you don’t.”
“I put her [The Virgin Mary] in a Chanel suit, Manolo Blahniks, and a Louis Vuitton pocketbook. You’re the mother of God, look it! If she had looked like that, she would’ve gotten into the inn. The point is, it’s about looks.”
On Getting Older
“You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”
“I’ve learned: When you get older, who cares? I don’t mince words, I don’t hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It’s been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I’ve never been invited!”
“Grandchildren can be so fucking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”
“All I ever heard when I was a kid was, ‘Why can’t you be more like your cousin Sheila?’ And Sheila had died at birth.”
“Til I was 9, my mother was still trying to get an abortion. That stuff sticks with you.”
On Her Daughter
“The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.”
"I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver."
“I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”
If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.