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Bad Boy / Amazon

Bad Boy For Life: 20 Facts About Puff Daddy & The Family's 'No Way Out'

To celebrate the album's 20th anniversary, VIBE compiles a list of interesting facts about Puff Daddy's debut project.

On July 1, 1997, No Way Out - one of the mores seismic rap albums of all-time - altered the landscape of rap forever.  More than a classic body of work, the debut album marked the completion of Sean "Puffy" Combs' evolution from high-powered music executive, label head, and producer, to one of the biggest rap stars on the planet.

Displaying a glowing charisma during his days as an A&R with Uptown Records with scene-stealing cameos in music videos of his artists, Puffy possessed many of the traits that make a superstar. With the encouragement of The Notorious B.I.G., Combs decided to record an album of his own. Pulling together his roster of in-house producers, The Hitmen, Puff and company would take an excursion to the tropics and hunker down in the studio, crafting material that would wind up on multi-platinum releases from The Notorious B.I.G. (Life After Death) and Ma$e (Harlem World), as well as Puff's own pet-project, No Way Out.

Released on July 1, 1997, No Way Out debuted at No.1 on the Billboard 200 with 561,000 copies sold in its first week of release and would go on to sell over seven million copies in the U.S. alone, making it the best-selling single-disc in the history of the label. In the wake of the tragic death of The Notorious B.I.G., Puffy and The Bad Boy Family banded together for one of the first true blockbuster albums in rap, one that helped define an era and is symbolic of the peak of the label's dominance over the music world.

To mark commemorate the 20th anniversary of No Way Out, we've dug up 20 interesting facts about the album that will blow your mind and give insight into the making of this masterpiece.

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1. No Way Out Won the Grammy Award for Best Rap Album in 1998

In 1998, the Grammy Awards category for Best Rap Album was loaded with pivotal releases from some of rap's biggest acts, with Missy Elliott's Supa Dupa Fly, Wyclef Jean's Wyclef Jean Presents The Carnival, The Notorious B.I.G.'s Life After Death, and Wu-Tang Clan's Wu-Tang Forever all receiving nominations. Although all albums held strong cases for consideration, in the end, No Way Out took home the hardware, one of two Grammy awards Puff would win at that years ceremony, the other being Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group for "I'll Be Missing You."

2. No Way Out Was Not The Original Title Of The Album

Diddy's debut was initially slated as Puff Daddy & The Goodfellas, an extension of the mafioso image the label had taken on during its reign. A change of heart would cause Diddy to change the tentative title to Hell Up in Harlem before settling on the title No Way Out after the death of The Notorious B.I.G.

3. "Young Gs" - Biggie Recorded His Verse Years Before It Was Released

"Young Gs" is one of three instances in which The Notorious B.I.G. appeared on tracks using original vocals, and the last of the three that the world would be blessed to hear. But in contrast to "Brooklyn's Finest" and "I Love the Dough," JAY-Z and Biggie didn't work on the record together, as Biggie's verse was recorded during a Ready to Die session, but would be salvaged by producer Rashad Smith and Puff after his death. Puff then called in JAY-Z to appear on the track, resulting in the classic that we know and love today.

4. A Majority of the Production on No Way Out Was Made in the Caribbean.

At the height of the East coast versus West coast beef, Diddy decided to fly his camp of in-house producers, The Hitmen, out to Maraval, Trinidad, with the goal of creating hit records that would dominate radio for the foreseeable future. Camping out at the Caribbean Sound Basin studio, Diddy, The Hitmen, and a crew of engineers would craft the foundation of the sound that would take Bad Boy's success and appeal to the stratosphere.

5. "Victory" is one of the Most Expensive Music Videos of All-Time

The latter half of the '90s were dominated by groundbreaking visuals, with Missy Elliott and Busta Rhymes both upping the ante of what a rap music video could be, but in terms of breaking the bank, Puffy has them both beat. "Victory," the fifth single released from No Way Out, would be accompanied with a big budget video, directed by Marcus Nispel, and included cameos from actors Dennis Hopper and Danny Devito, as well as British socialite Tamara Beckwith. Clocking in at $2,700,000 in production costs, "Victory" is the 9th most expensive video of all time upon, and remains the most expensive rap video made to date.

6. No Way Out's Intended Title-Track Does Not Appear on the Album

A week prior to the release of No Way Out, the soundtrack for the 1997 film Money Talks, starring actor/comedian Chris Tucker, hit shelves. The soundtrack boasted contributions from Mary J. Blige, Naughty By Nature, SWV, and Deborah Cox, among other notable names, but was dominated by the Bad Boy Family, with Diddy, Lil' Kim, Ma$e, Black Rob, Faith Evans, and Lil' Cease all making appearances. "No Way Out," one of the batch of records from the soundtrack with Bad Boy's fingerprint on it, featured Puffy, Black Rob, and vocalist Kelly Price, and was intended to be included in No Way Out, but would ultimately not appear on the final tracklist.

7. Every Song on No Way Out Was Produced by The Hitmen, Except One

Diddy's stable of producer's, The Hitmen, would craft the entirety of the beats on No Way Out, outside of one song on the album, which also happens to be one of the best selections on the album. That song, "Young Gs," which featured The Notorious B.I.G. and JAY-Z, was produced by Rashad Smith, one of the top producers on the East coast, with credits on records from the likes of LL Cool J, Nas, The Notorious B.I.G., Busta Rhymes, and A Tribe Called Quest. Although The Hitmen rightfully get a large amount of credit for crafting the sound of No Way Out, Smith's contribution to the album proved to be an invaluable one.

8. "It's All About The Benjamins" Originally Debuted on a Mixtape

The mixtape game during the '90s was a game built on exclusives. DJ Clue was the reigning king of gaining access to songs that no one else had and including them on his mixtapes, instantly creating a buzz on the street. In 1996, on his Holiday Holdup mixtape, was a song titled "All About the Benjamins," which featured Puffy rapping alongside Jadakiss and Sheek of The Lox, a track that would help boost the Bad Boy signees appeal and make it one of the hottest records on the street. Although the remixed version is the one that ruled the latter half of 1997, the original remains a gem of its own.

9. "It's All About The Benjamins" Includes an Uncredited Vocal Arrangement from Missy Elliott

Missy Elliott is more known for her own music, but behind the scenes, she is also known as one of the most accomplished songwriters in hip-hop and R&B. Unbeknownst to many, Missy also lent her talents to "It's All About the Benjamins," arranging the popular refrain that dominates the record. Although the vocal arrangement was uncredited, it speaks to the amount of talent that was involved in the making of this masterpiece.

10. The Music Video for "It's All About The Benjamins (Rock Remix)" Was Nominated for Video of The Year at the 1998 MTV Music Video Awards

Rap and Rock have collided on many occasions over the course of the past four decades, but one of the more memorable instances was when Diddy joined forces with Tommy Stinson, Fuzzbubble, Rob Zombie, and Dave Grohl for the "It's All About the Benjamins (Rock Remix)." The remix was accompanied by a Spike Jonze-directed video, which earned a nomination for Video of the Year at the 1998 MTV Video Music Awards, but ultimately lost to Madonna's "Ray of Light."

11. Styles P. Originally Had a Verse on "It's All About the Benjamins"

Styles P. turned in one of the more ferocious verses on No Way Out for The Lox assisted cut "I Got the Power," but the Yonkers hard-rock would've also appeared on the "All About the Benjamins (Remix)" had his opening verse not been replaced by Diddy. Originally a solo song by The Lox, the then named "Puff Daddy" liked it so much that he decided to use it for his own album, and the rest is history.

12. "I'll Be Missing You" Was the First Rap Song To Debut At No. 1 on the Billlboard Hot 100

It may be hard to believe these days, but at one point in time, a rap song topping the charts was a pretty big deal, but having a song debut at No. 1 on Billboard's was a feat that was unheard of. Until "I'll Be Missing You" was released, of course. The second single released from No Way Out was Bad Boy's dedication to the life and legacy of The Notorious B.I.G. It debuted atop the Billboard charts on June 14, 1997 and held the slot down for 11 consecutive weeks until "Mo Money Mo Problems" moved to No. 1 on August 30th. It was the first time a rap song achieved such a feat.

13. The Notorious B.I.G.'s Verses on "Victory" Were The Last He Ever Recorded

The Notorious B.I.G. made multiple appearances on No Way Out, but only three of his four verses on the album were recorded with that intention. The album's opening salvo, "Victory," includes a pair of his verses, which were recorded the day before he was fatally murdered and would be the last rhymes the rapper would ever lay down in the booth.

14. The Album Cover Was Shot In Miami

The timeless album cover for No Way Out was originally slated to be captured by photographer Michael Lavine. However, the shot would ultimately be captured by veteran photographer Micheal Benabib, who stepped in at the last minute to replace Lavine. Shot in the winter of 1997 during Super Bowl XXXI weekend, the cover of No Way Out features the Bad Boy Family clad in suits, mirrors with the mafioso vibe of the album's original title, making it one of the most recognizable album covers in hip-hop history.

15. Songs Recorded For No Way Out Ended Up On Other Bad Boy Albums

Contrary to his reputation as a cunning opportunist when it comes to hit records, Diddy was also instrumental in setting his artists up with material that would help push their own projects, as was the case with the cutting-room material that didn't make No Way Out. With Bad Boy members like Ma$e, The Lox, and Black Rob having yet to release their own debuts at the time of No Way Out's release, various tracks intended for No Way Out would wind up on those albums throughout the subsequent years

16. Lil Kim Wrote The Lyrics For "What You Gonna Do"

The Notorious B.I.G. is credited with writing the bulk of Lil' Kim's early material, however, according to engineer Stephen Dent, who was a part of the making of No Way Out, Lil' Kim was also swift with the pen in her own right, allegedly lending her talents to the album cut "What You Gonna Do," among others.

17. "If I Should Die Tonight (Interlude)" Is Carl Thomas's First Listed Appearance on a Bad Boy Song

Following the success of R&B acts Faith Evans, Total, and 112, Bad Boy would unleash another star crooner in Carl Thomas, who would later release his 2000 debut album, Emotional, on the label. Although his vocals would appear on The Notorious B.I.G.'s Life After Death album, his first listed feature as a member of the Bad Boy Family was on the No Way Out interlude, "If I Should Die Tonight." Delivering impassioned vocals amid Diddy's solemn thoughts, Carl Thomas' contribution to No Way Out is a chilling one and familiarized the public with the silky tenor vocalist.

18. Kelly Price Contributes Backup Vocals on Three Songs

Prior to catching her big break as a solo artist, R&B singer Kelly Price was one of the integral members of Bad Boy, albeit behind the scenes, where she helped with songwriting, vocal arrangements and background vocals. On No Way Out, Kelly Price provides vocals on three songs: "Don't Stop What You're Doing," "Do You Know," and "Young Gs."

19. Sauce Money Helped Write "I'll Be Missing You" and "Do You Know"

Most known for his appearances alongside JAY-Z, in addition to being a solo artist, Sauce Money was also one of the more in-demand ghostwriters of his era, with his lyrics appearing on some of the bigger hits of the decade. Sauce Money's skills would be put to good use on No Way Out, with the Brooklyn lyricist penning Diddy's lyrics on "I'll Be Missing You," as well as the album cut "Do You Know," earning himself a Grammy Award in the process.

20. “I Love You Baby” was originally for Black Rob's Album

Notorious for his propensity to take a good thing and make it better, during the making of No Way Out, Diddy pilfered through a few of his label's rising talent's unreleased material, mining it for songs to include on his own album. One of these such instances occurred with the No Way Out standout "I Love You Baby," featuring Black Rob, who turns in a scene-stealing performance, which created the demand for his eventual solo album, Life Story. But what many people don't know is that "I Love You Baby" was originally a solo song by Black Rob, with Diddy replacing Rob's third verse with his own, resulting in the track we all know and love today.

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Carlos Perez

Anuel AA Breaks Free

In 2015, an entourage of close to 30 men drew guns among one another during a traditional Christmas parranda in Puerto Rico. The scene turned into something straight out of a movie when a pair of gangsters clandestinely attempted to kidnap local rapper Anuel AA. After a brief scuffle and flagrant shouting match, however, the man born Emmanuel Gazmey Santiago went on to finish the evening’s holiday spree in the boisterous company of his loyal posse.

Months later, after ushering in the new year on a promising note by featuring on one of Latin trap’s first global hits – De La Ghetto’s sex anthem “La Ocasion” with Arcangel and Ozuna – someone delivered Anuel AA a divine premonition of sorts: “If you keep talking about this stuff in your songs, something really ugly is going to happen to you.”

A Puerto Rican music legend, Hector “El Father” of reggaeton-turned-son of God, paid Anuel a visit to share his foreboding message. “He and I did not know each other,” explained Anuel, who prides himself on waxing poetics about the real-life experiences Hector was concerned with, “but God spoke to him and Hector felt he needed to reach out to me. When he warned me, he said it with so much conviction that he even cried.”

Having forged a legacy of his own as one of the key trailblazing reggaeton entertainers of the ‘90s who later signed a deal with JAY-Z’s Roc-A-Fella Records, Hector – now a devoted Christian – understood life imitated art when it came to Anuel’s lyrics.

“My lyrics talked a lot about God and the devil, so when he told me that,” Anuel continued, “I knew I needed to make some changes. Those themes, good versus evil, they were my mark and what separated me from the rest.”

On April 3, 2016, just two weeks after meeting with Hector, Anuel was arrested and held in Guaynabo’s correctional institution on charges of illegal gun possession. Following his biggest musical break yet, just as he was touching the cusp of international stardom, a court judge sentenced Anuel to 30 months in federal prison without bail.

Raised east of San Juan, in the Puerto Rican city of Carolina, Anuel AA has a lot in common with many of my favorite MCs: he’s charming, resolute, and lyrically gifted, yet marred by a criminal past, complicit misogyny and the constant struggle between right and wrong. “I had no choice but to carry those weapons with me, because of the issues I had on the street,” the rapper said to VIBE Viva over the phone, while quarantined in Miami. “I thought to myself I’d rather be locked up than found dead.”

Indeed, Anuel had evaded his probable demise when he was nearly abducted and landed right behind bars months later, fulfilling a prophecy that cost him both his freedom and a flourishing start at the tipping point of trap music en Español. “I was being forced to reckon with all the bad things I had done for money in the past,” Anuel expressed, regretfully. “I started reading the Bible for the first time and realized that my talent and blessings came from God, not anywhere else.”

Anuel had begun to take music seriously around the same time his father, José Gazmey, was laid off from his coveted A&R position at Sony Music. With his back against the wall, a scrappy Anuel left home at 15 and began to engage in felonious activity to help provide for his family and finance his music endeavors.

Like many rappers on the island, Anuel was influenced by popular culture and trends on the mainland, most discernibly by contemporary trap. Anuel understood the genre’s synonymy with street life and the drug enterprise and immediately took to Messiah El Artista, a Dominican-American rapper VIBE profiled for championing Spanish-language trap music all over New York.

“I figured if Latin trap was doing well in New York, it was for sure going to pop in Puerto Rico,” said Anuel, who had signed with the Latino division of Rick Ross’ Maybach Music Group the year prior to his arrest. “I spent about a month in New York before I returned to Puerto Rico. Then I started to release all the songs I had, one by one, and they began to gain popularity.”

While artists like J. Balvin helped breathe new life into the reggaeton genre in Colombia, Anuel wanted to spearhead a movement in Puerto Rico with a sound all their own. “I recorded the ‘Esclava’ remix with Bryant Myers and it might not have taken off worldwide, but it became a huge trap song in Puerto Rico.”

Akin to the heydays of reggaeton, an Afro-Caribbean genre-fusing hip-hop and reggae that originated in Puerto Rico, trap music was considered lowbrow and was heavily criticized for its vulgarity, violence, and explicit lyrics. Puerto Rican critics and artists alike had very little faith in the music’s potential and therefore denounced it. “DJ Luian, who is like a brother to me, couldn’t understand why I wanted to put all my energy into music that none of our artists wanted to sing.”

“Reggaeton went dormant for years,” he continued. “It was necessary to make trap music, because it felt like reggaeton was stuck in another era.” A self-described student of the late and oft-controversial Tupac Shakur, Anuel thought reggaeton had reached its pinnacle and believed Latin trap would be its successor.

Songs like “Nunca Sapo,” where Anuel channels Rick Ross’ Teflon Don ethos and spits a grimy slow-tempo flow over a sinister 808-laden instrumental, helped put a face to Anuel’s little-known name in the US. On cuts like Farruko’s “Liberace,” Anuel speeds up his delivery for fun and plays on the “Versace” rhythm popularized by Migos, who all hail from Atlanta—the widely credited birthplace of trap music.

For Anuel, whose life mantra “real hasta la muerte” is now a famous hashtag, music aspirations had little to do with radio play. Anuel, 27, was largely concerned with dominating the digital space, especially while incarcerated. Despite his arrest, he continued to release music from behind prison walls while his team fed his massive following up-to-date content.

Hear This Music CEO, DJ Luian heeded what Anuel was trying to accomplish and began to work with Bad Bunny, the Latin Grammy-winning artist and star voice of the current Latin trap movement. “When I was locked up, Luian helped develop Bad Bunny and he basically became in charge of keeping trap alive while I was away,” said Anuel, who ironically came under fire recently and was accused of throwing shade at Bad Bunny for the video treatment of “Yo Perreo Sola,” in which the rapper-singer dresses in drag as a stance against toxic masculinity.

“I couldn’t believe something like this was going viral,” Anuel interrupted anxiously before I could expound on a question concerning their relationship. “It looked like it was something that was edited or put together to make my Instagram posts read that way. I immediately texted Bad Bunny about it and he was like, ‘Don’t worry, people are always going to be talking sh*t.’”

Anuel considers Bad Bunny a genius at what he does and maintains that despite not knowing each other very well, he and his fellow compatriot are friendly collaborators with a working rapport: “When he and I do a new song together, what will people say then?”

Today, the collective jury will reach a verdict upon listening to Anuel’s newly-released sophomore studio album Emmanuel, where fans will find a track titled “Hasta Que Dios Diga,” a sultry, mid-tempo reggaeton number. Fans can expect to hear a star-studded project riddled with guest features, including Tego Calderón, Daddy Yankee, Enrique Iglesias, J. Balvin, Ozuna, and Karol G, to name a few.

Discussing life during a global pandemic, Anuel spoke fondly of his partner-in-rhyme, Colombian singer-songwriter Karol G. “She’s the love of my life. She’s been there with me through the good and bad. People who really love you are the ones who stand firm by you when things are bleak. In my toughest moments, Karol was there. She’s shown me how to be a better man,” he gushed.

“Karol comes off as super feminine—which she is, but Karol also has a really tough masculine side,” Anuel laughed heartily on the other end of the line. “She rides motorcycles and likes taking them up these crazy hills. She rides jet skis too! She’s like a dude, haha. We work well together and we give each other advice all the time.”

The pair are making the most of quarantine life in South Florida, releasing a self-directed and self-shot music video for their joint single “Follow,” a reference to flirting over social media in the era of social-distancing, the idea that shooting one’s proverbial shot can lead to a budding romance.

On July 17, 2018, Anuel dropped his debut studio album, Real Hasta La Muerte, hours before he was released from jail. By September, the RIAA certified his introduction to the game platinum, garnering the attention of Roc Nation artist Meek Mill. When the Philly wordsmith released his fourth studio LP in November of the same year, followers were geeked to learn Anuel had earned himself a place on Meek’s highly anticipated Championships album with “Uptown Vibes.”

I always wanted you and anuel aa to make a track together bc i feel like he’s the meek mill of spanish trap , how was it working with him ?

— Nagga (@naggareports) December 17, 2018

“Recording with Meek Mill for me was like when Allen Iverson played with Michael Jordan for the first time,” Anuel said, singing praises about their first-ever partnership. “I’m a huge fan of Meek; when his music took off I was still in the streets, so I related and identified with a lot of the things he was saying.”

“Meek doesn’t understand a lick of Spanish,” he mused in jest, “but he’s always with a bunch of Latinos. When I speak to him he says, ‘I don’t know what you’re saying, but my Spanish [speaking] ni**as tell me you be talking that sh*t!’”

Anuel leveraged his knack for storytelling and released “3 de Abril” earlier this year, an emotional freestyle about the day he was arrested and a graphic snapshot of his trials and tribulations.

“I did things without caring about the consequences. I thought I was a man because I was street smart. Now I know what it’s like to lose everything, so I wanted to talk more about my life and the experiences of me and my family,” Anuel described the inspiration behind the song.

Following the release of “3 de Abril,” Anuel again turned hip-hop heads when he and Lil Pump shared a fiery audiovisual for their collaborative effort “Illuminati,” stamping Pump's first new song since summer 2019. This year, Anuel also has songs with Colombian pop empress Shakira (“Me Gusta”) and with the late Juice WRLD (“No Me Ames”).

Albeit Anuel and Juice WRLD never got to meet in person, Anuel learned about the Chicago rapper from listening to his singles on the radio in jail. “The same year I won Billboard Latin’s Artist of The Year award, Juice WRLD won New Artist at the American Billboard Awards. We ended up recording the song after that but held off on releasing it for a bit because he and I had respective singles coming out at the same time,” Anuel explained.

“By the time we were finally ready to premiere it, Juice WRLD had passed away. We were never able to record together in person, but at least we got to feature him on the video. I know the tribute gave his fans and family some needed strength.”

Less than 30 minutes have gone by and already I am forced to wrap my conversation with Boricua’s burgeoning superstar:

Anuel, explain “real hasta la muerte” for me. Why exactly is this mantra of yours so important? 

“I can’t betray anyone. I don’t know what it’s like to really betray someone. I’m very loyal to my circle, my family, and those I hold close to me. Being real is what keeps me humble. It doesn’t matter how much money I make or how much I accomplish. What’s critical is staying real to myself and keeping my feet on the ground. That’s what helps keep me going.”

This interview was translated from Spanish to English and has been edited and condensed for clarity.

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Exclusive: BBD's Mike Bivins And Ricky Bell Speak On Funk Fest 'Garage Concert Series' And George Floyd's Murder

The early '90s wouldn't be the same without Bell Biv DeVoe's style of hip-hop, smoothed out on the R&B tip with a pop feel appeal to it. Even as a stark departure sound and style-wise from their New Edition group days, BBD  literally ushered in a new tint to the already hot sounds of Teddy Riley's "New Jack Swing" of the mid to late '80s. Their universal party anthem single, "Poison," cures any wack wallflower growing jam and will forever be the barbeque favorite of your aunt and uncle to sprain an ankle to while dancing.

So today, May 28th at 9 pm EST on FunkFestTV.com, it's only right that the crew known as BBD brings that same energy to the comfort of our homes, with "The Garage Concert Series" during these quarantine times via a streaming deal with the 19-year-old urban music festival, Funk Fest. The series is billed as a jam session that comes to you with the flavor of a bare-bones home garage performance that gets to the organic feel of the music. Joining BBD in this landmark event will be recent Verzuz social media battle stars, Jagged Edge.

Tonight's festivities will be in honor of aiding those in need through the newly created charity by the trio named BBD Cares. This community initiative focuses on the seniors of Laurel Ridge Rehabilitation Care Center in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. Proceeds from the moderately priced pay-per-view performance will go to those impacted by the grip of Covid-19. "We’re proud to launch the Garage Concert Series and our BBD Cares effort to raise money and awareness during a time when our communities, our culture, and our society need healing," said Ricky Bell.

Both Mike Bivins and Bell spoke to R&B Spotlight founder, Cory Taylor for VIBE on ZOOM to detail the idea and plans for the Funk Fest and Garage Concert series, as well as expound on the turbulent times we are currently experiencing in society. While explaining how hard things are to bare, music being an outlet helps in healing and this digital event looks to continue to flourish in expanding that notion. “The Garage Concert Series, which we conceptualized and named after other culture-shifting brands like Amazon and Microsoft that started in their garage, is our contribution to the global community,” states Bivens.

Be sure to watch their interview with us and log on to FunkfFestTV.com at 9 pm EST for a blast to the past of good music for a great cause. Ronnie DeVoe sums it up best, “our goal is to continue to spread the love while raising money for those who are most in need.”

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Melyssa Ford

Melyssa Ford: 'My Mother Died During This Pandemic And I Have Nowhere To Put My Grief'

Editor's Note: In a heartwarming tribute, former model now TV/radio host, Melyssa Ford details the final days she shared with her beloved mother, Oksana Barbara Raisa Ford (10/12/1950 - 5/19/2020). Understanding that we have all been connected to COVID-19's tragic reach, this essay explains the plight of one person's experience that represents the pain so many are dealing with in these times around the world.

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COVID-effing-19. This pandemic has been a moment of reckoning for a great many of us. How many of you have been confronted with the hard truth that we took EVERYTHING about our lives and freedoms for granted? The freedom to call up a few friends and go for Happy Hour drinks after a long day at work? The freedom to start our day by going to the gym; the freedom to temporarily vacate our lives by getting on a plane and heading off to some tropical destination? Or the freedom to gather at a burial or memorial service to pay love and respect to a loved one who has passed, as a means of helping to process our own grief? 

My mother died last week. Not from COVID-19, but from colon cancer. But COVID-19 and its endless complications directly affected my family’s lives and, ultimately, my mother's death. 

It was less than a year from diagnosis to her last days. She lived in Toronto (my hometown) and I currently live in Los Angeles. Traveling during this pandemic presented some incredible challenges. Quarantine and shelter in place rules. Closed international borders. Fear and uncertainty. I was terrified that I wouldn’t get to her side in time, since Canada mandates that anyone getting off a plane has to self-quarantine for 14 days (threats of fines and jail time were there to incentivize you to adhere to the new rules). And I knew my mother had very little precious time. 

Months before, when there was still some hope that surgery and chemo would prolong her life, she decided to sell the house I grew up in. I was furious. I looked at this as her giving up; resigning herself to the control of this insidious disease called cancer. But my mother, the truest form of a pragmatist, was preparing for the inevitable and getting her affairs in order. She wanted to leave me with nothing to do except mourn her without the burden of packing up a home with all of her belongings in it after her death. She knows me so well, she knew I’d NEVER pack it up, that I’d have left everything the way it was as a shrine to her and, therefore, never really moving through my grief in a purposeful and healthy manner. 

Cancer ravaged my mother's body but left her brain fully intact. And it was with full cognition, pragmatism and a whole lot of gumption, that she decided to end things on her terms by scheduling her passing with a doctor's assistance via MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying) — a legal policy in Canada that allows a terminally ill patient in palliative care to choose the days or weeks remaining in their lives. 

She didn’t want to spend her last months laying confined to a bed, immobile, unable to even take herself to the bathroom. The most basic form of human dignity had been stolen from her and replaced with a catheter and a colostomy bag that my aunt had to drain several times a day. I watched as her skin turned yellow from jaundice, signaling her liver was failing. I watched as her urine went from a dark yellow to crimson, a signal that her kidneys were no longer functional. My mother, the strongest person I had ever known, both physically and mentally, was now frail and seemingly melting into the bed, her skin sagging from her skeletal arms and legs. Her face was gaunt, her head bald, her breastplate visible and bony...in her last days, she was an empty shell of the 5’10” beautiful Viking she had been. With her long blond hair, green eyes, and imposing physical stature, I used to joke that if you gave her a hat with horns, a shield, and a sword, you could send her out to battle. 

The day I arrived in Toronto from L.A., I approached my mother’s bedside after going through a rigorous disinfectant routine. My mother had been discharged from the hospital as there was nothing left to do for her medically except keep her as comfortable as possible. She was sent home to my aunt’s house for the remainder of her days. My aunt’s home was a place of comfort and joy for me, as I’ve spent a great many holidays and family occasions here; this was the best place for my mother to be. With a mask and gloves on, I sat down next to her bedside and tried with all my might not to cry. My Mom had passed on that British “stiff upper lip” mentality to me; it’s rare you will see me expose my emotions. But as of late, I’ve been pretty transparent about it, in an attempt to sort through my competing feelings of grief and guilt. Guilt of not having been the perfect daughter. Grief of being her only child with no one to share the burden of immeasurable sadness with. Guilt of not working on our relationship or attempting to understand her as a person until it was close to the end. Guilt and grief kept coming in waves, threatening to drown me. 

On that first evening, I sat with her for a few hours and we talked more frankly than we ever had about things I had always been scared to ask. Topics such as her tumultuous marriage to my father and why she stayed in such misery. What was HER mother like, who died when my mother was only 15 years old? Was she proud of me and the choices I had made in my life, one of them being never having children?

Eventually, I had to let her sleep. I went upstairs to her bedroom (she was now in a bedroom on the main floor of my aunt’s house since she could no longer walk). Once in her room, I found a journal titled 2019 and began to read. What I read, in between all of the activities she enjoyed such as Aquafit and her book club, was her documenting her disease before she even knew she had it, describing the symptoms that began as uncomfortable that would soon become excruciatingly painful. 

It broke my heart to read this, being on the other side of understanding where this story would end. I found myself wanting to move through the dimension of time and yell, “Go to the hospital!” Reading this only made me wonder if she had caught it during the early days of symptoms, would the outcome be different? Excuse me as I add more guilt and more grief to the already unbearable weight upon my shoulders. 

Our final day was spent much like the last six days I had with my mother, laying beside each other in bed, massaging her, and either watching movies or talking. We would go from walking down memory lane as I showed her old pictures to discussing last-minute details about the Business of Death: the transfer of everything into my name, where certain sentimental pieces of jewelry could be found, who she wanted to receive small tokens of remembrance of her. As sad as I was for myself, my heart broke for my mother. She’s losing EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. She expressed to me that she was shocked at how quickly her cancer spread throughout her body. It didn’t give her a chance. No amount of holistic remedies or prayers would have changed this (thanks to all my friends who suggested a plant-based diet with sea moss, soursop, and bladderwrack but her colon, GI tract, and bowels had been decimated). 

The few days leading up to her doctor-assisted euthanasia, I found my heart racing in a panic as the end was creeping closer and closer. I don’t know what’s worse, a loved one's death being a surprise or knowing when it’s going to happen with the hours counting down. I know both intimately. My father went the first way, my mother the second. I still can’t tell you the answer.

With plans in place for the funeral home to come and take my mother's body in order to cremate her, I’m left with a feeling of such remorse and sadness. Because of COVID-19, my mother’s friends and I are being robbed of the opportunity to congregate at a memorial service to properly mourn and pay homage and respect to the woman we all loved and admired. My mother deserved that.

I’m so angry. I’m angry at cancer. I’m angry at, as a society, our collective circumstances. I’m angry at the thought that this pandemic could have been controlled if our government officials had reacted swiftly. I’m angry that there are so many people who are experiencing the same thing I am—the death of loved ones, and the inability to gather together for a ceremony that celebrates their lives and sends them off properly.

Trauma changes you. Less than two years ago, I almost died when a truck hit my jeep on a California highway. I spent almost a year recovering. I’m a different person than I was moments before the impact of that crash. And now I’ve got to sort out who I am without my mother on this earth. People report a feeling of disconnectedness after the death of their parent(s); like what kept you tethered to the earth is gone and you are now hurtling through time and space, searching for something to grab onto.

I lost my father many years ago and now my mom is gone. I’m praying that I find something soon to ground me; but for the time being, the search to make sense and meaning of my mother's life and, ultimately her death, shall continue for me, like a room with endless doors or a road that disappears into the horizon. 

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A native of Toronto, Canada and now residing in Beverly Hills, California, Melyssa Ford is a syndicated radio show host on Hollywood Unlocked via iHeart Media's stations nationwide and also hosts her own podcast, I'm Here For The Food (available on all streaming platforms).

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