The thing about relationships is that you never really know what you’re getting yourself in to until it’s done. Every couple has their own trials and tribulations, and, essentially, it takes two to make it work. Expert psychologist and author of The Single Married Woman, Dr. Sherry Blake gives it to us straight and answers the questions women and men often have when it comes to the opposite sex.
Having worked with Toni Braxton and her family on WE tv’s Braxton Family Values, Dr. Sherry confidently delivers responses that will help make all of the things we ponder, over-analyze and over-think a little bit easier.
Vixen caught up with the vet who has been servicing people for more than 20 years. In part I, Dr. Sherry talks about her book, celebrity couples and, of course, relationships. –Krystal Holmes
VIBE VIXEN: How do you think women end up in the situation of a “Single Married Woman?”
DR. SHERRY BLAKE: We end up in those situations by wanting a marriage and wanting to make others happy and trying to please so much that we lose sight of ourselves.
Why do you think women who have the power to train a man to her liking just let him walk all over her instead?
I think sometimes women allow men to walk all over them because it’s an issue of self-esteem. Some may think if they don’t do what the male asks or requests of them they won’t have them. They haven’t learned that they have a value in the relationship and they don’t have to allow someone to walk all over them and they don’t have to walk all over someone else, so it goes both ways. The reality is that it’s all about self esteem. If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard to stand up for yourself. It’s really tricky, but you have to understand it works both ways.
Is Kobe and Vanessa’s situation the type that can be saved, or do you think they will just go back to each other for booty calls?
[Laughs] I haven’t worked with them, so I don’t know the ins and outs in terms of their relationship, but I think both of them must really sit down and be honest. It would be great if they were working on the issues that got them to that point with a psychologist or a group of therapists. What are those things we can work on? What are those things that we enjoy that we can enhance? And many times when people have difficulty in relationships and it become public knowledge, then the public thinks material things come in place and they are back together again. But it is more than the material things that keep you together.
When exes get into new relationships, should they just cut off the relationship they had with one another, even if they were friends?
That’s not necessarily a requirement to cut off everyone from your past, but I do think it’s very difficult to have a new relationship and still be involved with your ex. I think that there must be boundaries once again, and it depends on the nature of the reason why you are friends with your ex in the first place. If you have children involved that’s one thing, but if that person’s an ex and you are just friends, then keep them at a distance as you try to develop a new relationship. Otherwise, it’s going to be very difficult for you to remain friends with that ex because they will be all in your business. That’s the tricky thing with exes; everything can be cool as long as you’re not in a relationship. You think everything is cool and fun and occasionally you hang out or whatever the case may be, until one of you gets someone significant in your life then it becomes a problem. You have to define what your relationship is going to be about.
What is the most difficult hurdle in relationships that you’ve seen?
I think the most difficult hurdle is rebuilding trust once it’s been destroyed. I think for a lot of women especially, once trust has been distorted it’s very difficult to allow your heart to trust again. For men I think it’s loyalty. Trust is important, but if a woman is there with him through thick and thin that’s one thing but if she’s not loyal and will turn her back very quickly it’s very hard for the male to come back and trust her again.
Check back for Part II tomorrow!