On Valentine’s Day, nobody stocks the shelves with fluffy teddy bears, red roses, and balloons with a man’s happiness in mind. Why? Because men have pretty much been reduced to Neanderthal-like creatures; sex, silence, and sandwiches being the basic formula to meet our heart’s desire. While that’s not too far off base, most women rightfully aim to be better than just good enough but rather her man’s dream come true. But if you had any of these 4 things on the itinerary, you may need to go back to the drawing boards.
1. Too much foreplay
You got about 5 minutes max. We can appreciate the creativity and effort, but our bodies aren’t designed to have gentle kisses all over for 3 hours just because you bought new underwear to do it in. Our anticipation will turn into restlessness, restlessness into aggravation, and aggravation into “this is the last time we’re celebrating Valentine’s Day, on my mama, I swear.”
Before you call me a liar, let’s get this understood. Men love the idea of a threesome, but if we’re in a relationship; we’ll be far too paranoid to even enjoy it. This is strictly for men who are in love, not the one who just gave you the title because you pressured him and not the one who’s with you because you conveniently fit into the plans for the moment. But for the man who’s in love, he’ll fear that it’s either a set up, or hate the idea that deep down you’re going to realize we actually can still enjoy sex with another woman which will probably hurt your feelings.
3. Chocolates and a Card
Just…don’t. If you turn to your man right now and ask, “Babe, you don’t like the cards I give you?”, he’s going to say “Of course I do.” And it will be a lie. But accidentally forget to give him a card this year, and see how mad he (won’t) get.
4. The same thing we get every night
Nightly, routine, mundane sex. “Do I have to get all the way undressed?” sex. “Can’t you just do it like this while I’m on my side?” sex. “Okay fine, but don’t you take all night. I got work in the morning.” sex. You get the point. Spice it up a bit. “Turn up” as the young people say. If you’re pornstar-awesome all the time, then make your awesome sex complimentary with something else. Like chicken wings or cheesecake. A man devouring delicious food while his woman devours him may just be the next best thing to winning a fight in front of all your friends. But by no means do you give us the exact same sex we get every night.