Less than a month after losing a baby via miscarriage, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are being honest about their grief. Teigen opened up about in an emotional essay posted to Medium.com on Tuesday (Oct 27) where she went into heartbreaking detail about the horrific experience.
The model and host was hospitalized last month for partial placenta abruption. After multiple blood transfusions, doctors concluded that the baby, whom the named “Jack,” would not survive. Teigen had hoped to carry the baby until 28 weeks, which was described as a “safe zone.”
She was forced to deliver him at just 20 weeks.
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye,” she recalled. “He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
Legend and Teigen’s mother photographed the moment at her request. The Grammy winner “hated” taking photos of her in the hospital, Teigen said. She also hit back at people criticizing her for posting the images on social media. “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
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Teigen, 34, and Legend, 41, have two other children, Miles, 2, and Luna, 4. Later in the candid easy, Teigen opened up about the harrowing moment that baby Jack was delivered. “My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer. I asked the nurse to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again.”
The newborn’s remains were cremated. His ashes will be buried near a tree at the couple’s new home. Teigen is still working through her emotions, and admitted to bursting into tears at times, and getting upset with herself for “being too happy.” She said that she often forgets that she’s no longer pregnant. Although the loss of the baby has left a “hole” in her heart, the empty space has been “filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty the space. It feels full.”
“I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so,” she added.
“Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
Click here to read Teigen’s full essay.