It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re single…again, and this year you’re tired of it. You’ve done everything you can to change your relationship status–gone to bars, tried online dating, attended concerts, showed up at your friend’s game nights–and nothing’s worked.
Not to worry. The co-authors of Single Man Married Man put their brains together to offer a comprehensive dating guide for anyone looking to win in love. Written from a male perspective for women by New York based authors, Jean Alerte, Jickael Bazin, Frank Gateau, Rae Holiday, Kel Spencer, Zanga Thomson, DJ Fadelf and life coach Pervis Taylor III, the book schools both genders with no chaser on how to achieve what they all agree both men and women want: love and companionship.
VIBE chopped it up with Kel Spencer about foolish relationship rules his book steers clear from, why some men cheat, the true definition of love and why women might want to actually grab a copy of this book.
This Valentine’s Day maybe a bust, but they way Mr. Spencer puts it, if you purchase the book now you can get a head start on Valentine’s Day 2016.
VIBE: Single Man Married Man is about dating and relationship advice. Why take on a subject already so heavily populated?
Kel Spencer: I think relationship advice is heavily populated, but relationship advice that can actually help I think is rare. There are a lot of cliches, blanket pieces of advice and misguided opinions out there. So if you look at the genre of relationship advice, there’s a whole lot of it, just like there’s a whole lot of restaurants, but if you want what’s really good for you, the truly organic stuff, you’re not going to find that too many places.
VIBE: So what are some of the cliche relationship tips you’ve heard that isn’t in the book?
KS: I’ve seen a few different books talk about waiting a certain amount of time to have sex to see if the person is serious about you, and that certain amount of time falling short of marriage.
VIBE: And this is wrong because…
KS: Because if I’m the old me and I’m dealing with six, seven or eight women, I don’t mind waiting for you for a couple of months, because I might have waited for all of these women too! If I have a eight women rotation, I don’t mind waiting a month if that’s what it’s going to take for you to think I’m “serious” about you.
VIBE: So you’re saying time has nothing to do with determining whether a guy is serious. You can have sex with a guy whenever and if he’s not serious he’s just not serious.
KS: Exactly! You can have sex with a guy on the first date and marry him, or you can wait five months testing how serious he is and he was just holding out waiting and right after its done, you never hear from him again.
VIBE: You touched on it a bit, but there’s so many places women can receive dating advice, why should women read this specific book, especially when one of the authors is divorced?
KS: Actually, two of the authors are divorced, one of them is remarried and that’s all the more reason women should listen. This is as close as women are going to get to three married men and five single men in a barber shop talking about relationships like it’s just us eight on the planet. One dude is now remarried, he has some experiences. I was out there having fun, but now I’m in love with my wife, I have some experiences. One guy was out on a date with a women he wasn’t too interested in when another woman walked by and he ended up marrying her. One guy isn’t thinking about marriage right now. One guy messed up his marriage by making foolish career choices and he knows it, and wants to get married again. One guy is holistic in his eating habits and views dating from a organic perspective, so women get all those perspectives.
VIBE: So this particular book runs the gamut for men in different places in their life.
KS: Correct! We also all don’t agree with each other as well. We’ve done panels and my co-authors might say something and then when I got the mic I’ve said ‘he’s buggin. I don’t agree.’
VIBE: Is there dating advice in this book men can take from it?
KS: Absolutely. Chapter two is titled ‘Are You Ready for His Love’ and I get into the proper definition of love. Many people think love is an emotion, it’s a feeling. There are feelings and emotions attached to love, but love in itself is a choice. Like, I can’t tell you to feel embarrassed right now or to feel hungry.
VIBE: [LAUGHS] Right!
KS: So love is a choice and it’s a commitment to that choice, so even when they’re times I don’t feel like I love you, I still love you and in the chapter I set the tone by explaining love. When you claim you want love from a “good guy” and he has a proper understanding of what love is, you have to ask yourself are you really ready for that? So while I’m speaking to women, I’m indirectly telling guys they also have to understand what love really means.
VIBE: I’m not sure which one of the authors said this, but it was something to the effect of a man can sleep like a baby after cheating, but won’t switch barbers. Please explain that logic because…
KS: There’s rarely any commitment or emotional attachment when a man cheats. There’s a certain accomplishment that comes with accumulating a new woman. So a guy who cheats will say ‘I saw her across the room. I imagined what she’d be like in bed. I got her number. Finessed it and knocked it out. I want to do that with another woman now.’ The problem is, once you get into a relationship you can’t have that feeling anymore. If you’re a guy who needs that in his life, you don’t have the proper level of self-control and you’re going to cheat. Not that there’s anything wrong with your woman. You as a man need that constant win. That’s what it’s all rooted in, so when a man who cheats get’s that win, they can go to sleep like a baby because in his mind he didn’t do anything against his woman, he just did something to fulfill his own little thing. Now, guys like me will say you absolutely did something against your woman, but until you get caught and you see her crying and throwing your clothes out the window. Then you realize ‘I really did hurt her.’ My barber! That’s attached to my image. I’m connected to that guy.
VIBE: When you explain it, it kind of makes sense but it’s not comforting at all.
KS: The truth is not always comforting. That’s just what it is. And what makes its worse is that feeling of accomplishment, that badge of honor, that feeling of a new woman is celebrated an applauded, and then you have media who also applauds that behavior, it doesn’t help. Most guys, if they’re boy is cheating they turn a blind eye
VIBE: Glamour did a story on Single Man Married Man with the headline “Is This The Most Sexist Dating Advice Ever.” Do you think some of the advice in the book can be perceived as sexist? Especially since one of your co-authors said Destiny’s Child’s ‘Cater 2 U’ should be on a woman’s playlist?
KS: Absolutely! If you look at only half of those things, but you should only be catering to a guy who’s reciprocating those actions. And if he’s you’re man we’re assuming you deemed him as worthy. What we’re not saying or encouraging is for women to be serial submissives.
VIBE: One of the authors said men and women want the same things but communicate them in different ways. How can this book help men and women achieve what they want?
KS: We spoke from a male perspective, but in a very practical, useful way, so for women if you’re reading this, it’s almost like this is a “when he says this, this is what he means” thing. We’re telling women off the record what we like, what we go through, what we’re thinking. If you’re willing to take it in, you’re pretty much signing up to speak our language.
To purchase your copy of Single Man Married Man, CLICK HERE