The Black Room

A Brazilian hottie caught my eye on Tinder. Her photo was dark but she had a Latin honey/Nitty Scott vibe. We made plans to meet at a bar. I was early so I ordered a beer. I took off my glasses — didn’t want to look like a nerd. Then I saw her — long, black hair, brown eyes — she looked boney in RL (not the curvy cutie on Tinder). She was early too. I said “You’re my Tinder date, right?” “Yeah,” she said smiling and we tried to have a conversation over the loud music as I downed my second beer. I spoke to her in what little Portuguese I learned from an ex and she said “I don’t understand.” I told her I was sorry my Portuguese was bad. “Whatever,” she said. As it got crowded and we got pushed together, we ended up kissing and twerking in a corner while she whispered in my ear, “Pull my hair… harder… harder.” Then she went to use the bathroom. Another Latin girl with a serious body came running up to me and said, “Sorry I am so late, the L train was broken,” in a thick Brazilian accent. I was in shock. She looked at me sideways. “You’ve got lipstick on your mouth,” my real Tinder date said! — Far-Sighted Swiper

Uncle Phil

I had a bartending job at an art opening and met a special lady with a captivating smile and big dark eyes. We ended up going out for a few weeks. One night, after ripping each other’s clothes off in her living room, things were getting so hot we moved to the bedroom, I got a jimmy out and we got into it. I was 21, so I had (still have) staying power and was going for round two. She asked if we could role play. Why not, I’d had a couple too many and the room was borderline spinning. “I’ll be your naughty little niece and you can be my perverted uncle,” she said. I went with it and played “Uncle Phil”— the first name that came into my head. “Spank me,” she said innocently, so I whooped her delicious round booty. We finished, crashed hard and woke up at 5:00. I vaped, we talked. I was telling her about this lady who I bartended for in Malibu who grabbed my ass: “She was old, like 38 or something.” “Um, I’m 40,” she said. I knew this freaky lady was older but thought she was 27! I caught my breath, remembering my role as the nasty ol’ uncle with her as the innocent “young” niece — nooooo! So I asked her to tell me what the ‘80s were like and then drove home. — Uncle Phil

Drunken Sailor

I was doing my junior year in Holland. My sexy boyfriend was 6′ 5″ and built for sex. We talked about maybe doing some light bondage and he agreed to get tied up. I was about to head out to a sex shop to get my gear when I saw some rope in the window of a boating store near my dorm. I walked in and the sales guy helped me find hemp-decking rope. “How big is the boat?” he asked. “Uh, average, I guess.” I was blushing. So I bought a sh*tload of boat rope. That night, after some liquid courage, I tied up my boyfriend. He was spread-eagled to my bed and there was so much damn rope it took me like 15 minutes to wrap it all around the bed, his wrists and ankles. I finally had my way with him and even though he couldn’t touch me, he found other ways to satisfy me. A week later, I saw the boat store guy in the street and he asked me, “Did you have a good time sailing?” I told him the boat ride was better than expected and secretly laughed my ass off. — Drunken Sailor

Well-heeled

Me and my boo went to an S&M club in Manhattan one night. We said we were too chicken to go home with anyone but it would be fun to watch and get turned on and go home together. We were expecting the club to be full of gorgeous folks. In reality, not even the black light could make these sad individuals look normal. There was an old dude in a blonde wig and white dress sucking his finger and hanging from a swing and in another corner, a pale big dude getting whipped by a pale big girl. I sat down and an average-looking Filipino dude crawls up to me staring at my stiletto heel. “Can I worship your feet?” I look at my boo who’s almost laughing and let the normal-looking dude stroke my shoe. Everything was going (laugh-out-loud funny but) fine until he took off my shoe and started licking my toes. “Oh, hell no!” I said and snatched my wet foot back from him. That was the last time we went (or will ever go) to an S&M club… anywhere! — Well-heeled

Once Bitten

I went out with my girls to our regular bar and met this guy that I ended up going home with. He was a musician and had a dope home recording studio. We hooked up fast; he was a sloppy kisser but his big-ass body knew how to move. Two hours later I was swigging from a bottle of Hennessy and he was playing bass buck-naked for me. I went to the kitchen to find something to mix drinks with. I found a lemon and sliced it, deeply cutting my finger. Blood was coming out and my baldy came over and tried to put my finger in his mouth! He didn’t have a Band-Aid so I took a paper towel and duct tape and made my own. Then we were at it again and he started making scary animal noises and biting my inner left thigh… hard! “Owww!” I said, and he bit my outer left thigh before I smacked his head. I woke up the next afternoon throwing up into a bucket, with mouth-shaped bite marks on my legs and a big ridiculous homemade bandage on my hand. I never saw him again but listening to my girlfriend, went and got a tetanus shot! — Once Bitten

For more scandalous and hilarious scenes, check out the Fifty Shades of Black trailer below!