The Justin Bieber roast basically wrote itself. After hogging headlines the past few years for everything from leaving a monkey in Germany to causing $200,000 in damages while throwing eggs at a neighbor’s home, the Biebs agreed to let Comedy Central and some of Hollywood’s brightest to tear him a new one on his 21st birthday.
After LOLing several times throughout the nearly-90 minute uncensored special, here’s a swift recap of the sizzling jokes from each roaster and the chest-clutching finale from Bieber himself.
“Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight just because she didn’t wanna come. I wish I had something better to tell you but I don’t. If you gon’ deal with a Jenner, I think it would be Bruce.” — Host, Kevin Hart
“It’s no secret that Justin wants to be black. He loves the black culture. I want you to come to terms that you’re not gangster. Accept that. Orlando Bloom took a swing at you. That’s not gangster. [Justin’s] got a perfume called “Girlfriend.” You threw eggs at a house. Gangsters don’t throw fuckin’ eggs. Snoop, when the last time you threw eggs at a gotdamn house? We don’t do that. Justin sang the N-word on a song that was about killin’ black people. That’s pretty gangster, Justin, I’ma give you that.” — Kevin Hart
“He may have just turned 21 but he will always be a baby to me, since babies piss everywhere and never know when to shut the fuck up. I remember i got this call one day, saying ‘Collaborate with this little dude who will do anything to get famous’ and I was like ‘Great! I love Kevin Hart!’ — Ludacris
“It’s like just yesterday you were discovered on YouTube. Time flies when you’re a piece of shit. Justin Bieber’s fans are called “Beliebers” because these days, it’s considered politically incorrect to use the term ‘retards'” — Natasha Leggero
“What kinda bitch eggs his neighbor’s house? You cost 20,000 in damages. Imagine the damages you would’ve caused if you threw like a boy.” — Shaq
“For a guy worth 200 million dollars, why do you dress like Sharon Stone in the ’90s? You look like Sisqo fucked Peter Pan and then got cast in Orange is the New Black.” — Chris D’Elia
“You’re about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom fucked Selena Gomez.” — Chris D’Elia
“Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight which is to give Justin Bieber tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup and you wouldn’t last a week. Pay attention. First thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum. I’ll show you how later. It’s so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best and its’ so much fun to say. You see when i did my stretch, all the hoodrats in my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass so I decided some bitch needed to get got. … from then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.” — Martha Stewart
“Before I go, here’s my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life. Find yourself the right gal that she’ll have to be someone on your level, someone powerful, and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with and indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So Justin, my final piece of advice is call me.” — Martha Stewart
“You are the “King Joffrey” of pop. What’s your rap name? Feminem?” — Jeff Ross
“Justin Bieber’s asshole is like a movie ticket. It got ripped apart by an Usher.” — Jeff Ross
“You so pretty that when the inmates seen your mug shot, they swipe right.” — Snoop Dogg
“Let me say this to you, Justin Bieber, JB, DMB – Damn Near Black. Now see, black people, we normally hate when white people try to steal our culture and be like us, minus the discrimination, police brutality and the marching and shit. That was until Justin Bieber came along. We don’t mind him smoking weed in public while sagging in the club. Pissing in a mop bucket, drunk driving, living in a mansion with loud music, and hating the neighbors for not welcoming change. Welcome to the family, my nigga.” — Snoop Dogg
“Justin, he started from the bottom and he’s still at bottom. I don’t like your music. I’m not a big fan of it. I listen to some of it. I think it’s bad, man. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.” — Hannibal Buress
“People refer to Mister Bieber as a kid or a boy but here’s a news flash, gang: he’s a man. A full-grown man who works and loves and makes things with his hands. A man who sings songs for 9-year-olds and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater.” — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)
“What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million dollars? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.” — Justin Bieber
“I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter or sitting on the dais at somebody else’s roast. But seriously, there was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this when I was 12 years old. Didn’t really know what I was a getting myself into. There were a lot of moments I was really proud of and moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed at myself for. But the things I’ve done don’t define who I am. I’m a kindhearted person who love peoples and through it all, I lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry but what I can say, I look forward to being someone you can all look at and be proud of. Someone you can smile at and see some of yourself in. Someone close to me once said, ‘It’s how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.’ I’m excited for that challenge and I wanna say thank you so much for taking this journey with me. I’m excited for you to see what’s next. Thank you God for your grace and for never giving up on me.” — Justin Bieber