10 Athletes Who Could Help You Survive The Impending Zombie Apocalypse
With the success of World War Z, the AMC series The Walking Dead and the random epidemic of bath salt-induced attacks last year, all signs point to a zombie apocalypse.
You could make like Will in I Am Legend and try to ride out the end of the world with your dog, but (spoiler alert) that didn’t end well for the Fresh Prince. Seems like the best way to combat the killer corpses is with a team. Odds are, you won’t be able to pick who’s in your pack outside of family, maybe a close friend and your nosey, greasy, asthmatic neighbor Larry from down the hall (who shall become a sacrifice because he wouldn’t let you use his WiFi when shit was all-good). Chances are if you had your pick of the crop, athletes are the way to go. Here are 10 you’d have the best chance to survive with.
All Photos Courtesy Of: Getty
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10. Rob Gronkowski
At 6-foot-6, 255 pounds, Gronk can crack some skulls, the type of skill necessary to combat the zombies. At his size and speed, he’s got to be good for four or five bodies at any given time. Plus, his party-hard habits is an added bonus for down-time in between killing sprees.
At 6-foot-6, 255 pounds, Gronk can crack some skulls, the type of skill necessary to combat the zombies. At his size and speed, he’s got to be good for four or five bodies at any given time. Plus, his party-hard habits is an added bonus for down-time in between killing sprees.
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9. Usain Bolt
No one alive can catch this Jamaican-born speed demon. If you’re lucky enough to get the slow-ass zombies that slide up on you like in The Walking Dead and not the rolling ball of hell that comes at you in World War Z, Bolt is the man you need on your team. Whether it’s making supply runs or dipping to get help when shit hits the fan, he can get the job done with the quickness.
No one alive can catch this Jamaican-born speed demon. If you’re lucky enough to get the slow-ass zombies that slide up on you like in The Walking Dead and not the rolling ball of hell that comes at you in World War Z, Bolt is the man you need on your team. Whether it’s making supply runs or dipping to get help when shit hits the fan, he can get the job done with the quickness.
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8. Vladimir Guerrero
While Vladimir Guerrero officially retired September of this year, the zombies don’t know that. Guerrero makes the team because even after 16 seasons in Major League Baseball, no one swung a bat as hard as he did. Not Albert Pujols, not Ryan Howard, not even Sammy Sosa when he was still Black. He’s notorious for swinging without a fuck to give, crucial to doing damage to the undead.
While Vladimir Guerrero officially retired September of this year, the zombies don’t know that. Guerrero makes the team because even after 16 seasons in Major League Baseball, no one swung a bat as hard as he did. Not Albert Pujols, not Ryan Howard, not even Sammy Sosa when he was still Black. He’s notorious for swinging without a fuck to give, crucial to doing damage to the undead.
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7. WWE Divas (Any of them)
Natalya, Eva Marie, Jojo, or any of the ass-kicking beauties will do. They’re all tough enough to hold their own, but could also use their seductive looks to outsmart the zombie gangs we might encounter.
Natalya, Eva Marie, Jojo, or any of the ass-kicking beauties will do. They’re all tough enough to hold their own, but could also use their seductive looks to outsmart the zombie gangs we might encounter.
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6. Marvin Harrison
Every group needs a wild card and though Marvin Harrison was an impeccable NFL wide receiver, he’s been so quiet off-the-field that we'll assume he's the desperado type to quietly handle the dirty work in the post-apocalypse if need be.
Every group needs a wild card and though Marvin Harrison was an impeccable NFL wide receiver, he’s been so quiet off-the-field that we'll assume he's the desperado type to quietly handle the dirty work in the post-apocalypse if need be.
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5. Peyton Manning
Who's better under pressure than Peyton Manning? He's like a walking version of the Art of War. He has a better understanding of his strengths and his opponents' weaknesses than most sports star that he could easily be elected president of our de facto democracy.
Who's better under pressure than Peyton Manning? He's like a walking version of the Art of War. He has a better understanding of his strengths and his opponents' weaknesses than most sports star that he could easily be elected president of our de facto democracy.
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4. Kobe Bryant
Second-in-command to Peyton is Black Mamba. No other player in recent history has had to go from second banana to fearless leader in such a short period of time as Bryant. The Laker star can boss up when the occasion calls for it. Hopefully his high threshold for pain (as evidence from Instagram) rubs off on the rest of us.
Second-in-command to Peyton is Black Mamba. No other player in recent history has had to go from second banana to fearless leader in such a short period of time as Bryant. The Laker star can boss up when the occasion calls for it. Hopefully his high threshold for pain (as evidence from Instagram) rubs off on the rest of us.
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3. Jared Allen
As far as bare necessities are concerned, Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is 6-foot-6, 270 pounds of elk-spearing, boar and bear-hunting badass. Not only is he as intimidating as the bestial critters, he’s got that killer instinct and is also an advocate for programs that fund research for juvenile diabetes and homes for wounded military personnel. So the percentage of going insane is extremely low.
As far as bare necessities are concerned, Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is 6-foot-6, 270 pounds of elk-spearing, boar and bear-hunting badass. Not only is he as intimidating as the bestial critters, he’s got that killer instinct and is also an advocate for programs that fund research for juvenile diabetes and homes for wounded military personnel. So the percentage of going insane is extremely low.
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2. Jeff Gordon
When we come across abandoned whips, Jeff Gordon is commander-in-chief. With an ability to helm vehicles at speeds from 150 to 214 miles per hour, it’s a safe bet he’ll be able to push that random Kia to the limit.
When we come across abandoned whips, Jeff Gordon is commander-in-chief. With an ability to helm vehicles at speeds from 150 to 214 miles per hour, it’s a safe bet he’ll be able to push that random Kia to the limit.
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1. Venus & Serena
For more than a decade, these court-dominating sisters have arguably become the most superior female athletes in sports. They managed to navigate the world of tennis straight out of Compton, so they’d be able to maneuver their way out of trouble. When the smoke finally clears and it's up to us to repopulate the world, who better to serve as Eve 2.0 than either Williams sister?
For more than a decade, these court-dominating sisters have arguably become the most superior female athletes in sports. They managed to navigate the world of tennis straight out of Compton, so they’d be able to maneuver their way out of trouble. When the smoke finally clears and it's up to us to repopulate the world, who better to serve as Eve 2.0 than either Williams sister?
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