Nothing complicated here -- the writers just need to let Ferrell's body language and knack for improvisation shine. As a nation, aren't we all starving to see what the next "glass case of emotion" will be? As movie fans, aren't we thrilled that Ferrell gets to return to waxing poetic about San Diego and understanding dog language, instead of making the next "The Other Guys"? "Anchorman 2" must do right by a classic comic creation and keep Ron Burgundy classy, for the sake of San Diego and beyond.
WES MANTOOTH'S BACK
One minor flaw of the original "Anchorman" is that it never gave Vince Vaughn's rival anchorman, Wes Mantooth, enough time to develop into a legitimate nemesis for Will Ferrell's main man. After all, if Ron Burgundy is our superhero, doesn't he deserve a supervillain? "Anchorman 2" should absolutely include more of Channel 9's leader -- maybe, after Wes and Ron make nice at the end of the original film, they develop a close friendship until Wes betrays Papa Bear for the sake of ratings? Bonus points if his saint of a mother, Dorothy Mantooth, stops by, and more bonus points if Champ takes her out to a nice seafood dinner and never calls her again.
RON BURGUNDY FLASHBACK
"Anchorman 2" doesn't have to have an extended, "Goldmember"-esque origin story, but adolescent Ron Burgundy deserves a few minutes to shine. Maybe we find out how Ron and the rest of the Channel 4 gang met, or what made Ron become an anchorman. If nothing else, the idea can inspire multiple "5-year-old-with-a-full-moustache" gags.
BRICK ACTUALLY FALLS IN LOVE WITH A LAMP
After getting a peak of Ron's bachelor pad in "Anchorman," we want to see where Brick lives in "Anchorman 2," and more importantly, if the lady of the house is tall, skinny and accommodating of a light bulb. Maybe Brick and his lover/source of light can get into a heated argument, or maybe they can be shown enjoying a (PG-13-rated) night of passion. Either way, we want a lamp to love just as much as Brick.
A DIFFERENT LEADING LADY
No disrespect to Christina Applegate or the character of Veronica Corningstone -- both went toe-to-toe with Will Ferrell's comic wizardy in "Anchorman" and grounded the original instead of letting it become too absurd. But what else is there for Veronica to add as a character, now that Ron is (somewhat) enlightened about feminism? The sequel should ditch Corningstone and add a female lead that has the same sort of screwball energy as Burgundy -- perhaps as an aspiring anchorwoman who, in order to rise to the top of Channel 4, seduces all of the guys individually and turns them against each other. Is Kristen Wiig available?
THE PLOT CAN'T MATTER, OR MAKE SENSE
The lone necessity of "Anchorman 2" is that the stakes aren't too high; hell, the stakes shouldn't even exist. "Anchorman" excelled at being a stomping ground for weird set pieces and instant-catchphrases without possessing too much of a linear plot -- did anyone REALLY care about the fate of that pregnant panda? Like the original, "Anchorman 2" can't be overthought. If they want to have a 10-minute thumb-wrestling match between Champ and Brian, fine. If they want to devote 15 minutes to Brick's attempt at baking a cake, fine. Just let the audience hang out with their favorite characters for 100 minutes, and things will be copacetic.
AT LEAST ONE USE OF THE PHRASE 'WHALE'S VAGINA'
No explanation needed!
A 'HUNGER GAMES' STREET BRAWL
Speaking of Wes Mantooth, would anybody really object to an encore of the iconic street fight from A1? To up the ante, the writers should parody the latest pop culture phenomenon -- "The Hunger Games" -- with an updated version of Ferrell vs. Vaughn vs. Stiller vs. Wilson vs. Robbins. The anchormen should have to fight to the death for glory, and let's give Ron a bow-and-arrow set, a mockingjay pin and suggestive relationship with one of his Channel 4 tributes. As catchphrases, "Como estan, bitches" and "May the odds be ever in your favor" simply belong next to each other.
AN OBAMA CAMEO
Let's face facts: "Anchorman 2" is going to have cameos stacked on top of cameos. It's going to be the film equivalent of Diddy's "Bad Boy For Life" music video. More importantly, "Anchorman 2" needs to have the BEST cameos, not just a few lines from Jonah Hill or some D-lister from "SNL." "Anchorman 2" needs to be an event, an experience that everyone will be talking about. To that, we say: Barack Obama cameo. It doesn't matter what he does, or how long he does it; let's just get the President next to Ron Burgundy and see what happens. Who wouldn't want to see that (besides Republicans, I guess)? Runner-Up Best Cameos, if Obama is, for some reason, unavailable: Dave Chappelle, Blake Griffin, Jennifer Lawrence, Skrillex.
MORE WEIRD INSTRUMENT SOLOS
But instead of Burgundy busting out the jazz flute, the writers should let the other boys in on the fun. Let's give Champ an oboe, Brian gets a theremin, and Brick can take a jackhammer for percussion. The sequence ends with a tour-de-force jam session in which the guys unwittingly invent hip-hop music. Done and done.