5 Things Taylor Swift Will Accomplish as NYC Ambassador
November 7, 2014 - 6:55 pm
Become the realtor’s perpetual wet dream for the “New” New York
Taylor has probably never heard of Tru Life, but the version of the city he expressed desire for on the Frank Sinatra-assisted “New New York” is the complete opposite of the metropolis she will come to know.
The prized damsel swoops down over the rooftops of Tribeca, the top of the Empire State building flashing to the beat of her latest hit as she sips wine from her multi-million dollar Manhattan penthouse. A new era begins. Realtors rejoice. Frolicking hand-in-hand alongside the grunge-and-muck East River, Taylor and the property hawks, after much ado, will FINALLY erase “Avenue of Puerto Rico” from its Graham Avenue streets signs. And the entire area will be renamed Williamsburg Heights—unlike the failed SoBro (South Bronx) gentrification movement and the laughable “ProCro (Prospect/Crown Heights) expedition. The renovation will mirror that of Harlem’s W. 125th Street area—now widely referred to, via gentrified rebranding, as the “Upper West Side”—and will be celebrated with an eloquent hipster/yuppie entitlement party, swarming with realtors and trust fund brats from Kansas and Wisconsin. Taylor will fit right in—even offering suggestions on what can be done to assist newcomers with their unfriendly commute from the “up-and-coming” East New York. A new Pinkberry store adjacent to the Euclid Avenue train stop, perhaps?
Obliterate the last of the mom-and-pop shops
NYC is already becoming a watered-down, chain store-plagued distortion of itself with developer-smitten landlords shutting down iconic places of business and running life-long residents out of their homes because… we need another Duane Reade and/or Dunkin’ Donuts. No. Really. More of these stores are absolutely essential to NYC’s final stage in transformation to an investor-operated, millionaire’s playground—and Taylor will be the face of both ad campaigns.
Count on a Walmart opening in Washington Heights. And she’ll be the face of that campaign, too.
Reign as the Voice of the Cathedral
Not to be overlooked by Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” postgame farewell, Taylor’s PR camp will negotiate to have her “Welcome to New York” song blaring from speakers in the lobby of Yankee Stadium during the pregame hour… since the organization has successfully alienated most of its hometown fans to accommodate deep pocket bigwigs and tourists anyhow. A Madame Tussauds-style Taylor Swift statue will be unveiled in Monument Park in place of Derek Jeter’s designated space as acknowledgement for her tripling corporate membership and attracting a massive waiting list for the $700,000 luxury suites. It will be a tourist selfie spectacle for the ages.
Ensure the death of the Mister Softee ice cream truck
A couple of years ago, a group of (what are most likely) entitled, yuppie, out-of-towner parents in Park Slope, Brooklyn decided Mister Softee needed to be banned from the area. It was reported that this would be impossible unless passed through legislation, and even then, it could not be enacted in just Park Slope alone. Have no fear. Taylor, comic book cape and firepower in tow, will get it done. And replace the ice cream trucks with organic dog food vendors. Free of charge, her PR camp footing the bill.
Release “Welcome to New York – The Remix”
Finally enlightened to the havoc wreaked upon countless New Yorkers struggling to keep pace with rapidly rising rents and developer-infested neighborhoods, Taylor realizes that her “Global Welcome Ambassador” title is only fashioned to tourists and millionaires—because long gone are the days when anyone with middle class (or lower) financial status could actually move here and be successful. High society a-listers will cameo her “Welcome to New York” anthem remix, this time sounding a lot less chipper, as she woefully sings to the strums of her guitar “… where people can no longer afford the rent in the neighborhood they grew up in.”