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Entertainment National Sports Events Movies & TV

'Basketball Wives' Recap: 'Angry Birds' And A Bromitzvah

October 1, 2013 - 3:19 pm by Michael Arceneaux

Basketball Wives
Season 5, Episode 7

I’m not a member of the NRA, but I am contemplating membership if for no other reason than to secure a shotgun that will help place Basketball Wives out of its misery. In the last seven days, we’ve heard both Evelyn Lozada and Tami Roman drop hints that they may be done with the aging VH1 franchise.

Both ladies have made full Eeyore’s out of themselves throughout their time on the show, but you’ve got to give them credit for knowing when to abandon ship before it goes full out Titanic. Yes, the show has added new life in Tasha Marbury, but if her behavior on last night’s show is any indication where this reality series is headed, someone take me down to the Walmart to secure the weapon. —Michael Arceneaux (@youngsinick)

Click through for a breakdown of last night's episode.

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1. Party And Bullsh-t At the beginning of the show, Tami and Evelyn link up for liquor and a recap of the birthday party that Tami blew off after she developed an eye-ache or an eyesore or pink eye adjacent (after attending Tasha’s Weave Bar opening in that alleged dusty ass building). You can imagine how this goes. Mad Woman tells Maddest Woman that the party was lame and that Tasha was late, so she, Suzie and Shaunie ejected themselves early. The two also mention Tasha’s lack of business expertise and let even more shade pour out. What the two didn’t talk about, though, is their previous confrontation at dinner. Maybe that’s because Tami had more of an issue than Evelyn did, which is why Tami meets up with her life coach once again to dismiss the matter. The life coach celebrates Tami for “all of the work she’s doing.” She must like that production company check 'cause I’m not seeing the progress. I wear contacts, though, so maybe I’ve got an eye issue, too, Tami. Hold on. Let me get some eye drops. :::Two minutes later::: OH! Evelyn didn’t get sucker smacked or choked out. Congratulations, Tami. You’re one less cuss out away from appearing on OWN’s Super Soul Sunday with Oprah.
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2. Bromitzvah If you miss MTV’s wealthy teenage ego stroking show, My Super Sweet 16, Shaunie O’Neal offers you a treat in highlighting the preparation for her son’s 13th birthday party extravaganza. Lil’ Shaq, named Shareef, is having what Shaunie christens a “Bromitzvah.” No, that’s not a thing, and no, none of you are allowed to try and make it one. Knowing his mama and daddy are very, very rich, Shareef has a few requests for his birthday party. For entertainment, he would like Wiz Khalifa, Big Sean or Lil’ Wayne to perform. Also, because he’s a teenage boy, he’d also like to see girls walking down with fire for another form of entertainment. At the actual party, Shareef walks the red carpet with a blonde on his arm. Oh, Shareef. You’re already a cliché black celebrity. You truly are growing up. We don't get to see Shaq (duh) and there’s no evidence that any of the requested performers are there. Hey, Shaunie warned Shareef that she might not be able to book them, and hell, it’s still better than most people’s birthday parties at any age.
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3. Tasha Is Mad Before Tasha shows up to show how rude and petty she can be with people she just met, Evelyn and Shaunie alert us to the “The Angry Birds” story that they saw “on the blogs.” Which blogs, you ask? None that I read, but whatever. This storyline isn’t going to manufacture itself. Let these women work. For the record, the angry birds are Shaunie and Evelyn and as “the blogs” tell it, the two stormed out of Tasha’s party in a fit of rage. Speaking of anger, Tasha comes into the restaurant mad as hell and ready to fuss with the other four women. She starts off by saying that Evelyn should’ve stayed at the party because they're trying to repair their relationship. Tasha then tells Suzie and Shaunie that given they’re trying to build a friendship, they shouldn’t have left either. As she asks aloud, “Who comes to a birthday party and leaves? Who does that?” This woman is so draining and she just got here. Despite Tasha being absolutely ridiculous, Shaunie apologizes for leaving her boring party after two hours of waiting. Tasha, who makes it clear that she takes her birthday very seriously, doesn't really accept the apology. When Evelyn asks if she got the gift they left them – a blinged out penis worth “$300 or something – Tasha says she did, but notes that she prefers a warm body. Tasha then asks Tami where was her gift? Why did they let Jennifer Williams go again?
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4. Evelyn Hangs Out With Bow Wow’s Mama Since this is The Evelyn Lozada Show, there was no way we weren’t going to hear about Evelyn Lozada independent of the other women. As Evelyn rolls with Mama Bow Wow, we discover that Evelyn is working on a clothing line. The line is pretty basic thus far – sweats, denim, etc. A very confident Evelyn says that she knows the clothing line will do well. I’m glad this scene happened because it confirmed what I always felt about Evelyn: She’s like J. Lo, but without the actual talent. I imagine back in the 1990s, Evelyn heard of Jenny and thought to herself, “I may not be able to half-sing or dance, but you know what, chick? I’m gonna catch up with you some day.” And in her own way, she has. Good for you, Evelyn.
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5. Prepping Suzie For War None of these women seem to live in Miami anymore. This show is truly Basketball Wives: L.A., sorry Jackie Christie and Draya. In any event, Suzie show up to Tami’s L.A. home to talk about Tasha’s crazy self. The two try to figure out where Tasha’s attitude was coming from. I wish they could’ve said, “Damn, she’s really trying to be a factor on this show, huh?” That’s the real reason, but we have to play House GOP (aka dumb) about it. As the two keep talking, Tami encourages Suzie to channel her “inner Tami.” Then comes the confrontation. Suzie is tired of people pushing her around, so she shows up knucking and bucking and ready to fight. Suzie tells Tasha she's the most stuck up person that she’s ever met. That sounds so implausible, but I’ll let her make it ‘cause she’s trying to be more assertive. Ultimately, Tasha kicks Suzie out of her sweet and accosts her at the elevator. As they argue some more, Suzie says, “Do you chase your husband, too?” Tasha's quick to shoot back, “I have a husband. You don’t.” Who “won” that petty fight depends on perspective: Tasha had the sharpest line, but Suzie slapped that stupid hat off her head.
In This Story:
  • Basketball Wives,
  • Evelyn Lozada,
  • featured,
  • Movies & TV,
  • reality TV,
  • Shaunie O'Neal,
  • Suzie Ketcham,
  • Tami Roman,
  • Tasha Marbury
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  • TWITTER
  • EMAIL ME
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