Quittin' Time: The 10 Reasons Shaq Knew It Was Finally Time To Retire

June 2, 2011 - 6:10 pm by Chris Yuscavage TWITTER

1. He found an heir apparent to take over the "worst free throw shooter in the NBA" title.

Seriously, have you seen Brendan Haywood take a free throw shot in this year's playoffs yet? That guy makes Shaq look like Larry Bird at the line. Er, okay. Maybe not. But if there's anything that we won't miss about Shaq, it's that damn free throw attempt. Oh well. Your piss-poor shooting percentage from the line is safe with BH now!

2. He's just realized he's starting to get too old to remember all of his nicknames. The Diesel, Big Daddy, Shaq-Fu, The Big Shaqtus, Superman, The Big Aristotle, The Big Shamrock...and the list goes on and on and on. No wonder Shaq can't even remember his own names anymore!

3. Icy Hot isn't just a way to catch an extra paycheck anymore. Shaq's Icy Hot endorsement used to be a good way to fund his expensive habits. These days, Icy Hot is a way of life. It's gotten so bad that Shaq needs to use Icy Hot just to shoot Icy Hot commercials. And when that happens? Well, you know it's time to hang it up. Dull the pain, son!

4. He just found out that the youngest player in the NBA—Utah Jazz forward Derrick Favors—was one year old when Shaq made his NBA debut. When Shaq was throwing up his first shots in the NBA, Derrick Favors was throwing up baby food. Um, ew? Yeah, ew. But, seriously: Shaq was basically the equivalent of the old guy in the club last season—standing up against the wall mean muggin' while all the young cool kids were out on the dance floor doing the Dougie. Word to John Wall.

5. His claim to fame this past season with the Boston Celtics was sitting in Harvard Square and pretending to be a statue. Shaq started the season off in Boston by sitting still and pretending to be a statue. And that pretty much set a trend for the season that continued until the Celtics were knocked out of the playoffs. Hope you didn't catch many splinters over there on the sidelines, big fella.

6. He's officially played for every NBA team now. Orlando, Los Angeles, Miami, Phoenix, Cleveland, Boston...Okay, so maybe it just seems like he's played for every NBA team now. What, you were too good for Toronto, big guy?

7. He needs to have as much free time as possible for all of the "Making of Kazaam" stories that are coming out this year as part of the film's 15th anniversary celebration. Hmmm...how should we say this? Ah, that's right. DIBS! You know we've got a hot Kazaam "Making of..." story in the works. Exciting, right? RIGHT!?! Er, yeah. Don't hold your breath—or bother using one of your wishes on it.

8. He wants to find out for himself why everyone thinks he's crazy for wifing up Hoopz. Either Shaq has spent a lot of time on the road over the course of the last year—or he's just somehow managed to not notice that he's swapping spit with a chick who once swapped spit with Flava Flav. Flava freakin' Flav, son! Your first post-retirement activity better involve a couple of electric toothbrushes, a big bottle of Listerine, and 60 feet of floss. Just sayin'.

9. He wanted to beat Juwan Howard to the punch. A lot of people are criticizing Shaq for announcing his retirement at the start of the NBA Finals and taking away some of the spotlight from the NBA's marquee moment. Hogwash. If he waited 'til the season officially ended, Shaq would have to share his moment with fellow AARP baller Juwan Howard. And it would have looked like a scene straight out of Grumpy Old Men. Not pretty.

10. The Fu-Shnickens called...and they want to get the old band back together! Forget Detox. This is what the world has been waiting more than a decade for. Let's goooooo!

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